good night!

so hhmm..lemme see where i left off...hhmm..well i went to my tech class and we got out half an hour early. i only got -2 wrong on my quiz..which was cool..then i found out i really DID pass my midterm exam. with flying colors!! so i was way worried for nothing. then i went to dinner and i ate pasta! then yenno i waited for the meeting which i would return my uniform. argh. i hate cheer. then me and gigi went down and were all pissed cause we had to be there. i was so mad. then gigi and i said goodnight and i called katie at conlan and we talked for a bit about THE GROSSEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY BETHROOM!! HOLY GOODNESS!! it was gross. i was gonna puke when i went in there and saw in the garbage. i gagged..literally. then i went to nicole and mo's to talk and i had to tell them the DISGUSTING STORY!! it was right there. practically staring me in the face. way to be sanitary!!!! well whoever it was thats gross and you need to put that away. but whatevs.
btw! our fire alarm keeps beeping annoyingly. its great. i hate it. i have to talk to louis about that. its ridiculous. and yeah mo and nicole and felianne and i talked like old times it was fun! yeah then we made breakfast plans and it was all good. and now im watching law and order. now i am so going to bed. goodnight!

remember when i was happy? and that was all that mattered then? and i was happy? and we were together? and happy? and BLAH! 

BORING!!

today was a day of complete and utter boredom. i had gotten to sleep at about..2 AM cause ashley was picking out clothes with me and amanda and jenna for home. cause she left tofay. then i woke up at about..11ish? and dropped off my uniforms at gigi's for cleaning cause we have to turn them in today. sad sad. and amanda and i discussed all the crap that went down this year during cheer and all the drama about branson. but yeah. then ashley left and i cleaned! crazy cleaned. i washed dishes, cleaned the sink and the mirrors, fixed all the bed, ashley's and mine, put her clothes away, straightened her desk and her clothes and her closet, fixed my desk, and i just have to vacuum tonight. i havent started my first class of the day yet (it starts at 330) so i took a nice long shower, dried my hair, tried on a couple of normal teeny outfits, and watched TV and ate chips. ive been eating so much lately. im so fat. i hate it. i think i gained like..5 lbs since last last week. im a heifer. then yeah thats it. later on tonight i have a cheer meeting to turn in my stuff. then tomorrow info and res then clionicals then home for a boring week. i hate my life. right now im just trying to get through the 2 days left. btw i so failed my midterm for tech. haha i forgot to flush with saline sad sad. oh well. it was easy and i dont mind taking it again. but its pass fail so i probably failed. but yeah it happens. at least i didnt like fail a class or something. that would be crazy! wow failing a class. how stupid would i have to be? i get by. im not a genius. way not. but i finally finished my applications for the internship for UCSF and im waiting for an email from them or something. so yeah. pray for me. i really want that internship. okay love me.

gorgerous day!

well last night was a bust. so today i decided to get off to a wonderful start.
i woke up in the morning to hopefully see a missed call or a text message, but of course none, and why should there be? im supposed to be on a break right? why should i expect to get anything. seriously? now im just gonna vent about everything. my relationship sucks at this point, i dont get to go to branson cause my parents suck, and not im suck with the bleak future of a boring spring break at home doing homework with no boyfriend and no one to talk to. hard work, love, and sacrifice DO NOT PAY OFF!!
btw it was a gorgeous day. i woke up and did that and i had cereal for breakfast with katie. usual ritual. it was nice. thien we went to calss and we discussed again. we always discuss. i love ethics! then we went back to our rooms and i proceeded to read this book i found in our lving room. the sisterhood of the pants. the second summer. i was so excited to find it and ashley let me read it. i was reading it until time to go back to class, pharmacology, and i love it. its so good. i cry and ai laugh, and i cry and the heartwrenching heartbreaking problems that take place. its a really good book. i really love reading. im really not a dork. i just like to be informed of other books, other than text books. well anyways in pharm we went over prototypes, and ashlee came over to cassie and i to complain about her group cause they dont do anything and cassie and i complained about ours. so we decided to become a group together! hahaha. then we finished all the exercises. i still have so much reading. but that can wait til next week. spring break. ridiculously early. then we went to english. hate that class too. and all i did was read the book. ahah i was so not paying attention in class. so yeah then i didnt know what was going on and she let us out of class early because we hadn't read the passages she had wanted us to. but then we got out of class half an hour early so i ran to my room and i finished the book. all 300+ pages of it. thats the problem with me. if i like i book, i won't put it down until im finished with it. i loved it. i cried..like i said before, cause poor poor lena. *sigh* love hurts, especially when it smacks you in the face like that and you're devastated by it. oh i'd kill that boy if that happened to me, then i'd kill myself. but thats me. but the best part about it is that theres a 3rd book out. IT CAME OUT LAST MONTH!!!! its kinda like harry potter to me, i read those books too, but these came out faster. i wonder when the next one is coming out. the next harry potter. i really cant wait. sooni hope. hopefully summer. =) so yeah the next book in the traveling pants collection is called: girls in pants, the 3rd summer of the sisterhood of the traveling pants. i lvoe it. i cant wait. i think im gonna buy it so i can read it over spring break. it'll be fun. oh im so excited. sad. but im excited. okay now thats my wonderful day is over i must do homework. im such a studious girl. =) LOVE IT!! P.S. saw some crazy lady taking pictures of birds and we were laughing at her and pretending we were birds. =) love me! P.P.S. kerr and holly made posters of amanda looking like debbie from that movie with the liger..hahahah and said that she takes glamor shots for a price and to contact her. LOVE IT!! haha and they posted them around school. hahaha. oh wonderful spring break, how you elude us.

12 minutes

for the last 12 minutes ive been calling you every 30 seconds. you phone doesnt have service. and everytime i hear your voicemail i cry a little harder.
today was good. i got a lot of work done. outlined my ethics stuff, did my urine care plan, finished the prototypes, finished the exercises for pharm, did my 2 care plans due today, and went to the mall. all this stuff. ashley says its because i have different priotities now they youre not here. i hope its not that. because i really am getting a lot of work finished. maybe this is good. it has been, except for the crying. but that'll go away soon. hopefully something will go away soon, my sanity, my homework. hopefully not you. but maybe just this week.
i already can tell im not gonna last. its so hard. i dunno. its easy because everyone is trying to make me feel better and go out and its working. but then i sit in front of my computer and cry and feel lonely.
ashley constantly engages me in conversation, so does kerr. i think its to distract me. bless their hearts. i dunno. i like it but i dont, but i cant because love. oh well.
everyont says it'll work out for the best in the end. i hope it does. i really do. one way or another.
ive been sleeping really late lately. but tonight i went to sleep at 10. but i woke up to call you. but you didnt pick up and i just felt sad. i dont know if you even read this. maybe next week or something you will and know the random limbo ive been living in. its good, and its sucky, and i love it and i hate it. what else is new? nothing.
so now i leave you. with all of the readers knowing im just gonna spend the next 15 minutes calling his phone endlessly while crying because he doesnt have any service. see i know this and still i am hurt by it. questions like why doesnt he keep it in a place where it does have service run though my head. why torture myself? but we all know i will be crying myself to sleep for the 3rd night in a row. que sera sera...

have you seen my liger? he's really dangerous. he has really sharp teeth and claws you'd better watch out. call the zoo if you see him okay?  

have you ever...

have you ever felt lost or disappointed. where youve worked so hard to achieve something, only to have it go to comlete waste? so muc hard work, practically 2 years of sweat, sacrifice, tears, and hours and hours of trying, something so new to you that you didnt know how to go about it? and then,your goal, was so within reach, right there, being given to you, handed to you practically, because of the hard work you did. and now its an impossibility. i hate being filipino. i hate being some demure racethat just sits there and listents to their elders. i feel bad for people who have it worse than me. my parents are really controlling, but i know others have it worse. but it sucks cause some people just like being that way, and they have no aspirations except those of their parents. but i do. i want more. i have done more. but i have to lie to hide it. i have the drive and the determination to do it, and on top of that, on top of achieving my goals that i have set, ive achieved my parents goals for me. and that still isnt enough. its never enough. nothing i ever do is good enough for them. ive tried so hard. but something ive worked so hard for on my own without anyone's support, i made it. i did it. all on my own. and because it was all on my own, because i was all by myself, i cant even get what i worked so hard for. i gave up so much for it. screw my life, all of it, to hell...

beautiful day

i heard the doorbell ring a couple of minutes ago. i thought it was you and my heart started to beat fast and my palms started to sweat and i paced my room, waiting to hear a knock on my room door. but none ever came. and i felt foolish cause i thought it was you, but it wasnt, it was no one. and i thought to myself, why am i doing this. and it hit me. i dont know. and i still dont know. and its gonna be that way until i know. and i dont know when that is or how thats gonna work or whats gonna happen. in the back of my mind i hoped that you would visit me today, to pick up your bag of course, but you didnt. what was i to expect. i shouldnt have. its not your responsibility to see me. because it was all my decision. and because i did this, because of everything, i have to live through not having you. even thought i want you, but i cant have you, because of me. i dont expect you to understand. i dont myself. im all mixed up inside and i dont know how im supposed to feel and i dont know how to deal and i dont know how to make things better because i seem to make everything worse. you dont want to beg me anymore. im not asking you to. maybe this is for the best, maybe i just lost the biest thing in my entire life becasue i was scared. no matter what happens its what i did, i did this to me and there's no turning back. something inside of my tells me that this is stupid, that this is ridiculous and i shoudl stop being so stubborn, and another part is telling me im stupid because nothing ever happened when you tired to fix it the other way. well i got my way this time. thats what i want right? isnt it? i got my way? i guess something is telling me no matter what everything will be okay with us. gopefully this isnt the worst mistake of my life. i hope..i hope everything will be okay. it has to be okay. or else i wont know what to do with myself. or anything. wow i really hope i didnt just ruin my life. the tears that are streaming down my eyes are telling me that i did just that and that im wrong and i just..i just..i just..i just destroyed any chance at happiness. what did i know? what do i know? nothing. im young, inexperienced, naieve, and stupid. how do i know what i want. maybe it was in front of me all along and i didnt know it. all i know is. it sucks and it hurts, but i cant do anything, because i did this to myself..imade this decision..but then i never thought you'd let me. i never thought we wouldnt be...

another rainy day

i should be doing my homework, i should be sleeping, i should be eating, and i shouldnt be crying. im sad cause its raining really hard outside and you still chose to drive away even though you promised. and im scared cause it's come to this. it very well sucks. but it happens and so does this.
ive called a billion times and i got no response, well, none that i wanted. and i just sit here. sad, listening to the frikkin rain that you decided to drive out into. even though you promised. it was raining so hard and it sounded so bad outside, and the road would be slippery. and i was so worried. i wanted you to come back, but you didnt. i wanted you to be waiting outside, but you werent. i wanted you to say you love me and i'll call you later, but you didnt. i wanted..i dunno what i wanted, but i didnt want this
i wished you would get into a car crash, i wished you would be fatally wounded and your last dying thoughts would be of me and how you made me cry the very last time you saw me and how you didnt even hug me goodbye and the last words you said to me were in anger and that you wished you could have been better to me and loved me more and that you wished you hadn't yelled at me and cussed at me and drove ridiculously fast just to make me scared and cry harder and that you wished you had just looked at me, or me have look at you before you decided to be stupid and leave me and that you wished that all you could do was be with me. one last time. but good news. that probably was the last time. i wish...
i hate you. you scared me. you made me feel little and hurt. thats not what youre supposed to do. im not your bitch and i never will be. you cant treat me like that, but you did. and now look what has happened.
you brought that feeling back. that i wanna die feeling back into me. i hate you and i hate crying for you and i hate crying from you and i hate being with you and i hate everything that has to do with you right now. you suck and i dont deserve to feel like i wanna kill myself when i didnt do anything wrong. youre such a dick.