angry day at work

so kubler ross..i am fast approaching the anger postion of your stages of grieveing...


im really tired of people telling me that this is a damn learning experience. thank you very much i know im young and i know in a little while..probably years from now i'll look back and think of this as a learning experince, but right now, when you're 21, your boyfriend is practically your whole life. so basically, in my mind, my life is over. he wont even pick up my calls, he doesnt want to be my friend and he's able to cut me completely out of his life. why? why is that? i thought he was different and i thought he was more sensitve than that, but apparently he's just another guy.
oh and dont get me started on the people who think im the bitch because im the one who broke his heart. F you. first of all he broke his own damn heart and mine in the process. ha, you all say you saw it coming, F you too, for not telling me. on top of that, i lost a best friend and i lost my boyfriend, i practically lost half of my friends because some of them started out as his. and everyone who's all damn supportive of him, he doesnt have a right to have support. he did this to himself. he's out having a great time with everyone while i'm being constantly reminded of him through everything in my life! and everyone thinks im to blame, i caused it. well in know i did. i know i made this happen i know its my fault i know hes the greatest person in the world and i screwed up. i know i know i know i know i know. i wouldnt be here venting to no one if i didnt already know that i lost the most important thing in my life, and by respecting his decision to cut me out of my life im making the biggest mistake of my life. i see it. i see that i'll never find anyone like him and i get it, i lost out. and im sad, im actually really sad. but no one's over here asking me if i wanna go out with them, cause greg's the nice one and i can occassionally be stern and judgemental and blunt. god this is so stupid. so if anyone knows how to help me over this, please, tell me. if anyone can save me from my own hated, cause i kinda hate myself because i feel like i drove away the best thing to happen to me and now my life is so so so so bleak. i dont care about my job i dont care about my career. what good are those things if no one loves you and your love isnt wanted. just one person. i just picked one person. i said yes to one person and i wanted to keep it that way. i dont want to learn how to hold anyone's hand over again. i dont want to learn how to love someone i dont want to figure out how i fit in someone else's arms, i want his. is that so hard? is it so bad? what good is a career and money if theres no one to share it with and spoil and love you? nothing. i dont care. i wish i wish i could start over again and just not be with him. at least i would feel used to lonely...

blah

some days are better than others. and today. was not better than others. i caved. i totally did. i totally called him..2 times..cause i was at a movie in sacramento. and i shouldnt have been there. just being 100 miles closer to him, yet just as far kills me. the drive home was excrutiating. it hurts so bad. i dont know what else i can say but i wish he loved me. i wish i was over this. i wish so many things. i wish he knew how much he means to me.

1 week

so deep breath. first week is over. the first week of the rest of my life. and i have to tell you, today was bad. pretty bad. almost pathetic. i forget then i remember, then i wanna call then i dont then i see the stupid thing on the back of my phone and cry. my heart hurts so much still. my work is slowly declining. i just cannot keep it together.. i always feel this lump in my throat and it hurts to swallow it. i'm dizzy with grief sometimes. the mornings and right before i go to bed are the worst. i wake up crying and i fall asleep crying. i just want to be numb. this is going to be a long long long process...i thought he was different..i thought we were different.. i thought i was different...i guess im nothing really..

it works

so it works! the video thing works well if you dont want to hear anyting. but whatevs. who cares? im lonely and bored and no one loves me and i cant cry anymore because i have no more tears..and i still feel like shit inside..fuck him for being over me. i should be bitter and hateful, but i love him so much. how sad for me. how sad and pathetic..

"No one falls in love by choice, it is by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it is by work. No one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice."


yenno thats so true. for him. but why can't i fall out of love then. is it my choice to hurt like this..i think not..i would rather be okay and fine and going out..but instead..WOOHOO all aboard the trainwreck teeny

just checking

so hopefully this thing works. then i wont have to type anything i'll just viedo blog it. haha and you can see what im doing intead of having to read it. and i think im getting carpal tunnel....hopefully it works and you can hear me. but if it doesnt you can just pretend you know what time talking about. i bought clothes that im never gonna wear. hahaah. so yeah. im just waiting for the video to load. which took like 30 min..maybe this isnt such a good idea....

church

so new anthem song to help me get through this. man. like..first it was all tamia officially missing you and blah and i want him back (which is till do) but i think i need to take care of myself. i havent been feeling well, what with my bum heart and inability to feel hunger anymore, i think i need to stop worrying about him. then in like 3 months when im okay my anthem will be like fantasia barrino truth is i never got over you. but for now. this is how i have to be. i have to be angry i have to be mad in order to get through my days. it blinds me and consumes me, but i don't see any other alternative.

today in church they talked about God giving second chances to sinners. and then i thought, duh that why its not working hes not God, he's him. but i know that hopefully someday i will understand and be okay. God please give me the strength to get through the day without crying, grant me peace in my heart, help me to understand what your plan is for me, and help me to accept things that i cannot change.

but i got to thinking, he broke up with his first gf because he spent time with his friends more than her and he ignored her and he said he just fell out of love with her and was unhappy. and i remember us talking about that. and it's so eerie. and im sad because now im on the same rank as her. and now whomever he loves next may go through the same pain that his last two "loves" did. i dont want to be in the same category as her. i want to be different. i want to fight for him. i want to be happy with him. my body aches to feel him hug me. sadly, im fooling myself, i love him to the ends of the earth for the rest of my life and im never going to get over it, but he has. i wish i could sstop talking about it. apparently i should have seen it coming and apparently everyone else saw it coming. everyone except me. im so blind. blind love. i didnt know i just thought well you know what i thought. we were so good when we were able to spend time with eachother. but apart we were so angry at not being able to be together.


Now that it’s all said and done
I can’t believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down
Like an old abandoned house
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath
I fell too far, was in way too deep
Guess I let you get the best of me
Well I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, time ago!
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally gettin’ better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you!
You took a hammer to these walls
Dragged the memories down the hall
Packed your bags and walked away
There was nothing I could say,
And when you slammed the front door shut
A lot of other’s opened up
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me
Well I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, time ago!
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally getting’ better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you!