the song is perfect to the date

today i went to the gym. it was pathetic. i was on the eliptical and i saw myself in the mirror and i just started crying. why do i even try to work out and look better. i'm ugly and stupid and fat and if my boyfriend...whatever...didn't even want me then no one would. i'm not special i'm not extraordinary i'm nothing. what's the point in trying to look better. its not working and nothing is changing and i still look the same and i still feel like crap. no one even cares about how i look. i just wider and wider. i dont know how i do it. its like i'm meant to be big..even bigger..i dunno

i needed a change. i thought about cutting my hair. i thought about getting a tattoo. i thought about getting pierced anywhere. but nothing would really phyically and emotionally separate me from this crappy mood that i'll be in for awhile. i mean i love my hair. i don't know what kind of tattoo to get, and i'm not too fond of piercing and the risk of infection.

so what else did i do in order to fulfill this void in my heart and soul you ask? i spent hundreds of dollars on new bedsheets and a new comforter from linens n things and random shit at wal*mart and target. i was quite a sight. i looked like i had been totally crying, with my huge sunglasses on, blasting my relient k CD in my little honda civic, and burning the plastic.

then i got home and i cleaned the house a little and fixed my room. i also got an ex box and filled it. i dunno what i'm gonna do with it. maybe i'll have soneone drop it off or something. or send it. if any of you know the size of my room, there is no extra space for the sentimantal crap lying in the box in the corner.

so i don't know what to do. and something really deep inside of me thinks that this really is it. cause it was him deciding not me. and he's way more decisive and able to stick to his decisions then i am. i am a huge softy as was shown when i begged him to take me back. but all my tears throughout the night and day and i'm oretty sure tonight, tell me something is different about this one. like i knew it was coming. like i knew we were growing apart or something. but something told me it was just a phase or that we go through this every summer, but he finally got fed up with the summer fights. i guess it was time? theres a question mark after that because i don't think i know. or that the gravity of my life falling apart hasn't hit me yet.

there were a million things that i did wrong and a million more that i did right. did we just grow out of eachother. i know why we broke up, but i'm thinking about whether it was a natural occurance or it was a huge pile of emotions that got the better of us. which was it? is he supposed to be my one big ex? i dunno. i wish i did. it would make me life easier. but it doesnt work that way huh? my life is never easy. its mt fault. i planned too much around that relationship...

now im alone. for the first time in a long time i'm really alone. i think thats what i'm most afraid of. being alone right now. i really don't have anyone to talk to that would understand. my sister is in seattle, my little sister is no help, my cousins all will just automatically hate him because he dumped me, as good family should. i haven't talked to some of my friends for a long time. my best friend is pregnant and camping, i don't know how i would talk to her. and others just tell me to go out and get over it. which is probably what he's doing. going out to get his mind off of me or go out to have fun and drink and hang out with his friends and never give another thought to me. shouldn't there be a mourning period? and if he doesn't have one, doesn't that mean he never really cared at all? that would make me feel better, if he was that heartless to not have a mourning period. it would make him a monster in my eyes, meaning he's not even capable of loving at all.

i don't want to miss him. how do i not...i don't want to think about him. how do i not...

It's the 17th one week before the day you were born,

I been making big plans just for over a month,

Trying to make this the best birthday you ever had

show you that you're my baby, damn all this strain got

Me feeling somethings wrong, pull up to my gate they keep saying he's gone,

An envelope's in between my door big as day

Got me panicing what the hell this letter gonna read

Hell no

You say you don't want it no more

Hell noYou say you can't give me what I want

Hell no

How you just gonna leave when I stayed wit you through hard

Times and you cheated

Hell no

I hate to say it but I mean it hell no

God please talk to me

Hell no

Your so called love was so deep when it told you, you should

Run far and not give a damn about me

how could you leave me when you see me desperately in need of

What we had beforeI cried so many times but never did it cross my mind to think

But let it go

Damn baby I could see if we ever meant this shit before before but we been

Down this road before how could you leave me baby please my

Heart is beating for the beat we had before how could you leave home

Now I need you wanna laugh wanna stand wanna get just one more chase

Just to see you all my friends all my kin say mo just let

That end but I breath you in the drive way I found pictures on the

Ground of our first date I never in a million years though this

Would be me i'm trapped in love with somebody that no longer thinks

That i'm somebody special

look at me...

4 in the morning...

you get in those fights and you never know why and you just stay up thinking about what you did or didnt do and why it or anything matters or why you're doing anything...

Waking up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had its say
I guess I feel alrightBut it hurts when I think
When I let it sink inIt's all over me
I'm lying here in the dark
I'm watching you sleep, it hurts a lot
& all I know is
You've got to give me everything
Nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me
[CHORUS]
I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' in everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning
& the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right
All I wanted was to know I'm safe
Don't want to lose the love I've found
Remember when you said that you would change
Don't let me down
It's not fair how you are
I can't be complete, can you give me more?
& all I know is
You got to give me everything
& nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me
[CHORUS]
I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' in everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning
& the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right
Oh please, you know what I need
Save all your love up for me
We can't escape the love
Give me everything that you have
& all I know isYou got to give me everything
& nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

5 signs you're about to break up

yes i get it, you people dont have to e-mail me articles like this....




One day, you are madly in love. You're cuddling on the couch, reading love poems and feeding each other sushi. And that's when it happens: Your partner sits you down for the "It's-Not-You, It's-Me" talk. You're confused and left wondering, "How could I have missed the signs?"
Breaking up is never easy. Your ego and heart are bound to get bruised. But if you could just see the breakup coming, it might make the whole business easier to stomach.
While hindsight is 20/20, there are always warning signals
While hindsight is 20/20, there are always warning signals along the way.Top five signs you're about to get dumped
1. Picking fights. No one is saying you have to get along 24/7. Constructive conflict can actually be good for your relationship. But if you find that your partner has become argumentative over petty issues like your clothes or choice of restaurant, that should serve as a warning sign that he/she may be looking for an excuse to bail.
2. Forgetting to call. Used to be that your phone would ring all day long with your sweetie wanting to make plans or calling just to say, "I love you." Now your significant other doesn't even call when he/she is running three hours late. It may seem obvious, but going from speed dial to a blocked number is a sure sign that your relationship may be nearing its expiration date.
3. Changing their stripes. A major change in appearance can be a sign that your partner is looking toward greener pastures. Whether they've chopped off their hair, lost 40 pounds or gone from a bold brunette to a sultry blonde, major cosmetic changes should be noted. Of course, there's nothing wrong with being a little vain, but if the change is accompanied by any of the other signs listed here, you may need to get ready to go solo.
4. Criticizing. If your sweetie isn't feeling you anymore, don't be surprised if he/she becomes less tolerant of everything, from how you brush your teeth to how you tie your shoes. Constant criticism is a telltale sign that your days as a twosome are numbered.
5. Losing sexual interest. A healthy sex life can make or break a relationship. If you find that your partner is becoming more sexually aloof, you need to get to the root of the issue. While it's natural to have less sex as you settle into a comfortable groove together, waiting weeks or months to have sexual contact is a sign that something is amiss.