you know when you have those mornings when you wake up and you know that youve been crying in your sleep? or when youre actually sleeping and youre having a bad dream and you feel yourself crying? it sucks. you wake up with puffy eyes and you dont even know why. i think i miss tepe. i think..now i have never missed my sister ever. EVER. we're just not like that. i mean..we're sisters but we're close..but we're different. i dunno. but she got a webcam and i have one and we were playing on the computer..but thats not even why im (insert emotion/feeling here). i dunno i lost my train of thought...

yenno when you listen to one of those songs..and your whole world seems to fall apart right under your feet and those things that matter the world to you crumble through your fingertips?

or you dont even have to listen to a song..but you have this feeling way deep down in your chest and you dont exactly know what it is? and you dont even know you feel this way and it just tugs at the corners of your eyes causing tears to build and just wanna spill? and then you hear that song and it's confirmed, youre in a crappy mood. and you dont know why. you just act like a bitch and say mean things and dont tell your boyfriend that you love him just so they he'll think something is wrong because something is wrong but you dont know what and you want him to agitate you so that you can blame him for your mood. but he just gets mad cause you wont tell him why youre in a bad mood but you cant tell him because you dont know yourself, so he just gets more frustrated and doesnt wanna deal with you, and nor does he seem to care, because you seem to pull this wonderful trick many many many times. but its not a trick..and youre just hoping it doesnt happen again..i mean its like..something bad happened and it kills you..and you have no one to talk to about it..and this is ridiculous, because its all okay now but it was such a shock and it hurts you..youre life twins..personality twins..it happens to both of you at the same time and you feel bad nothing has happened..and i dont know why. have you been ignoring the inevitable? have you been pushing deep down inside again? have you been pretending? and you think maybe..but you dont know..isnt it time for one anyways? why didnt you know? hjave you grown so apart from the ones you love from before? high school doesnt just disappear you know. dont these things always happen? and you just get more and more confused and everytime you think youve reached a solution it turns out to be another dead end and youre jealous of those who know whats wrong with them and you wish it were that easy. but its not because youre mind always has to be clouded with other things, you always have to be this person, but you cant-not be that person. what will people think if youre different. what if you want to feel protected and tiny and girlie and soft and wonderful and whimsicle (sp) and them be strong and there for you and you dont know what is bothering you and you dont know if anything is even wrong or if youre just making a big deal of things. what if you dont know? what if you need to find out? what if you just push it away? what if you think it should be finished? what if youve thought about it? what if breaks are needed in life, but you cant pull that one again. what if you dont know what to do? what fi all the world is mixed up and all the sense that youve made in your life is backwards and retarded and everyone uses stupid logic? then where are you? i'll tell you where you are...you're in my mind, my heart, my soul, the way i think. this entire entry makes sense to me, this is how i thikn how i act how i live...jumbles..one point leading and wrapping around the next point that you made. which started as a statment but ended as a question. these phrases jump around in your mind like little bugs. until the point where you just end up smashing one and putting yourself out of misery by stopping its annoyingly soothing buzz. what am i talking about? i dunno..actually i do. do you know? makes perfect sense to me. why doesnt it to you? you should know what this all means if you really are for me. if you really know me, if you really care, you know what this means, yopu understand the mixed up thoughts and problems and whispers of insanity which flow through my mind at every minute, every second, everytime im with you..dont you get it? this is me and this is so confusing and complex, can you find your way through it all to the pure chaos which is me? are you willing to, do you even get what is being asked of you, of your time, of your life. but you dont know what im talking about do you? you never know...

first day of school blues..*sigh*
today i had only one class, but since im still jet lagged i woke up VERY early..about 7AM!! and i watched TV and and ate some grapes. but then i got really bored so i took a nice hot shower to make me feel better cause my ass is still sick. and i think im dying. but yeah. then i went to meet katie and her sister for breakfast. then i ate..a lot..HAHA. then we went to the registrar and got schedules straightened out for her sister. then me 'n katie went to health restoration 1. scary as hell that class will be. then we picked up stuff from the nursing office papers..etc..and went to lunch..haha funny story which i told ashley. then i tried to get my books from the bookstore, but they didnt have them ready, oh well.. i swear like i care. haha then ( i say then a lot) i hung out with nicole and mo. mo gave me like slippers from steve madden, perfume from victoria's secret, and lotion and hand soap from bath and body works. i was like..damn..but i love mo! and shes so great! and nicole..i ate many of her cookies..mmm..cookies. =) but yeah we all hung out and told eachother about our breaks and stuff. and we listened to unpacking music and we all just caught up with eachother, it was fun. then yeah, i went back to my room to print out some directions. im not going to dance today cause im still sick and it would be a waste to spend the money when i cant even do a jete or any jazz runs without coughing up a lung. haha so my peak flow meter reading are like down to 300..which is BAD. cause im usually at like..500 so yeah im taking my inhaler a lot, which makes me jittery. i dont wanna go to the doctor cause i think they might give me antibiotics or prednisone and i hate prednisone, and the antibiotics will give me HELLA BAD cramps later on. but yeah, hopefully i get better soon, cause i have clinical orientation this friday. but yeah..i still have to switch some classes so i can pre-lab on fridays and stuff..hopefully i get into the sections, but theyre closed, but still.. eh i dunno. whatever happens..yeah oh..today is ashley's birthday!! haha she's hekka 20!! not a teenager anymore. shoot. =) yay..thats about it for my day, boring, but..its what happened, it was a boring day. oh but tomorrow will be blissfully FULL!! with practice and 3 classes..yay!! fun! oh yeah, i guess we were supposed to get a new suitemate..haha i heard that from wilson, and she never came, but oh well. i met denise's new roommate and shes so nice, she pretty too, and shes a nursing major. but yeah. oh well..only 3 people in 222.
btw: haha as i was yelling hi to mo she yelled back nice job on your eyebrows, and i was llike..thanks i just got them threaded, and i was like..how can you see that throught the screen? and she was like..i see all!! hahahaha..thats it..