i think im done with boys, relationships in general. i really hate this. i think its over, but its okay, and i try to make things better but i only make things worse. i dont get it. i was happy. then i wasnt sure i knew what happy was. then i thought i needed time. but how am i suposed to tell him that? but i did, kinda. then some crappy ass excuse about boys and other guys and it just made things worse. i was happy. and i screwed it all up. eerr..i need to die. but whatever. i hate it. i dont know if i really need this right now. i think i need a break. from everyone. even those who make me happy. i kinda just need time to think for myself. as much as it hurts you greg, it hurts me 473289 times more because i really do care about you more than you know. and its so hard on me. and i dont know what to do. someone tell me what to do. ive messed things up so bad. but just forget it. i cant do anything right. forget it. i dont even deserve to be happy after all the lying and bullshit. im all mixed up inside. and i shouldnt be. i made my choice long ago, and i was happy about it. then it came back. well. it was always there, but now its nearer. and i dunno. ive never done this. i dont know what im doing wrong, or if im doing anything right. i just need a break.a abreak from you guys. please dont take this the wrong way. but i cant handle this. and well. i hate it. forget it. and dont give me this bullshit about fighting for me or whatever. you have nothing to fight against. i really cant do this. im not cut out for relationships. i cant do this. why does my life have to be so difficult. dont bother talking to me because i'll just tell you the same thing that i'm gonna tell everyone. i need time to be alone and think i cant have this stress before school starts. i have other things to worry about. dont even try to argue with me. you cant fight for me. it you want to persuade me do it after ive had time to rest. but if youre not gonna try to convince me then fuck you. yeah jaime. if you wanna just let things flow then im sorry but its not gonna happen that way. you want me. get me. but oblisouly you're just gonna sit there and wait for me to come to you. i did my part, and i cant do anything more. and greg. fight for me? i love you more than anything. and you said you'll always love me and you want to be with me forever. what if forever starts a little bit later? is that okay? would that be okay? if forever and always started a month later for us? i..i cant deal with this right now...and you cant change my mind.. you guys are no help at all. you make it worse. i have to hurt 2 people either way, myself and the person i dont choose to be with. i cant do that, id rather be lone that do any of this. im just not ready. everythings too fast. im 18!!!!! give me a break. please.. i want out. i want a break. i need time..alone..and away from the both of you..

today we got a baby bird. i named him DJ, for daddy junior. hes hekka bald and hekka cute. you should come over and see him. hes scared of me. its sad. oh well. =)

fun fun fun kicked it with jaime today. hhmm. he called at about 1:30 and we figured out what we were gonna do. i picked him up after 2 u-turns and we were off..back to my house cause my car wouldnt lock, but one of my doors was open. so i switched keys and we went to union city library to check out a book for smully ann's summer reading. then it wasnt there so we went to fremont main library. then on the way home jaime we being a brat and yelling at me while i was driving. and i was being sad and i was smelling him cause he smelled like a cute guy. hahah. if you know what i mean. then we went to the mall to look for a gift for my mother. and jaime was being nice and asking if they had white cats, which they didnt. then he found a card of a white cat, and it was all good. then i joined hallmark's preferred savings thing. i dunno. but i get a free gift on my birthday. then we left, went to my house, gave my mother the gift, then i dropped mr. austria off at his home, and he said he'd call me and i was off. woot, fun day with jaime.
then when everyone got home we went out to eat for smommy's birthday. at tony roma's. it was good. hhhmmm..mmm..bbq. hahaha. but yeah. then i went home and now im cleaning my room.