for those of you who keep up with my life online, i hope you havent been too freaked out by my last entries. ive been really stressed and i really needed to get out of the house. and i finally have. im at school..sleeping over my good friend mo's house. im waiting to move in tomorrow. hopefully i'll be the first one so i can choose which room i want, how i want it, etc. but yeah. im feeling better after talking with krystle. she understands me. i love krys. its so hot at school. i also talked to tiffany and told her what a dork krystle is..was..is..hahaha. i really dont know what i would do without them. i missed out on so much being at school. and i regret not coming home more often to see them and hang out with them. too late now but i love them still. school is so refreshing, being away from home and out. i almost cried driving here cause i was so happy to be out of my house. being me is hard. hehe. but yeah. i havent slept very well lately. not at all in fact. went to bed at 3am..woke up at 9am. and im still not tired. i cant sleep without talking to greg. its hard for me. i cant sleep without saying goodbye or telling him that i love him. but this was my idea and i have to go through with it. its hard, and krystle took my phone and keys. so i wouldnt call him and i wouldnt drive to see him. oh i was so tempted. hahah but yeah. i wanted this..i pushed for this..and im gonna see it through. but i am feeling less stressed as i a at school. hopefully this will all be over soon and i can go back to normal. well..its late. and i should get to sleep but im going o watch sad music videos. thanks for listening. i know i bitch a lot but talk to krystle..she KNOWS!!! shoot. we're hella the same. today anh, antony, antam, and patrick came to visit krys. it was such a waste hehehe. we went to krys' room, the mall, mcdonalds, then safeway, then they left. poor krystle. i know she wants to spend lotsa time with him ALONE!! JEEZ GUYS GIVE THEM A COUPLE MINUTES ALONE!!! freaking nosy reatrds hahaha. i made the mistake of looking in back of me..hahah..even though antony told me not to. hahah. okay. yeah. sleep. bye!

monica - don't take it personal
Its just one of dem days
When I want to be all alone
Its just one of dem days
When I gotta be all alone
I wanna take some time out
To think things through
I know it always feels like I'm doing you wrong
But I'm so in love with you
So understand that I'm only in love
You're the only one I need
So have no thought that I want to leave
And baby trust me please
Don't take it personal
Take the bitter with the sweet
Easy come, easy go
Don't take it personal
Take the bitter with the sweet
Cause good things come to an end
Don't take it personal
Baby, baby, baby, baby
Don't take it personal
I sit and think about everything we do
And I find myself in misery and that ain't cool
Hey now I really wanna be with you the whole way through
But the way you make me feel inside gets me confused
As I swing back mood to mood
Its not because of you
I never want you to be insecure
So understand that I'm only in love
You're the only one I need
I'll be there for you when you need me boy
So baby don't you leave
Don't take it personal, yeah
Don't take it personal
Don't take it personal
Take the bitter with the sweet
Easy come, easy go
Don't take it personal
Take the bitter with the sweet
Cause good things come to an end

hhmm..today what happened? i woke up at 10 AM. by my meddling mother asking me to take my little sister to school to change her schedule. so i wake my ass outta bed, but it turns out that she has to be there by 11, and my mom is just being hella stupid about it. so then i take maryann to school, and i wanna return my clinical shoes, but i cant find the recepit, cause i have all the crappy luck in the world. so im pissed for like the rest of the day. then im blogging, and like my mother gets mad because i dont wanna take maryann somewhere because she's supposed to, but she cant make up her mind. like smully was supposed to do comunity service hours at hayward shoreline, but she needed someone to watch her. and she asked my mom. and my mother said yes. then maryann was like, no..then yes..then no. then my mom was like i have to cook lunch, you take her. and naturally i said no. then my mom got all mad saying i could either cook or take her. so i was like..damnit. so i stayed and smully didnt end up going. then i went to my room to read and i took a nap instead. then jaena needed me to pick her up to drop something off. so i was going, but my mom said i was wasting gas. and she was like let them do it. then i was like something about ryan's ccd. (oh heres the problem about the CCD. my mom wants to pout their brother ryan through CCD to get his first communion. but he doesnt want to. and i told my mom and shes like its not his choice, children shouldnt be able to choose about their religion and education, and i was hella mad. so whatever. i personally think she shouldnt force it. but then she was like if he doesnt hes not allowed in the house anymore. that pissed me off so much..eerr..its like..well..maybe you should stop fucking caring about other kids when your own are fucking screwed up. but whatever, mind other peoples business, think that youre family is okay..what-the-fuck-ever.. but yeah..eerr..maybe she would see whats wrong with her family if she didnt focus on OTHER PEOPLE'S DAMILIES THAT SHE HAS NO BUSINESS WITH. then on top of that she calls his grandma, my aunt, and is like remember to sign the papers and i'll pay. and then she goes on to say children shouldnt decide and that they should blah blah blah and yeah..okay first of all, youre making it seem like theyre poor, which is so mean to begin with, then youre hella speaking so condescendingly towards my aunt whom at time i like so much better than you..and lastly youre making it seem like his mom cant make decisions about her kids, or that she cres about them. whatever. then she goes on to say that kids with no religion are bad, and all that other bullshit. eerr) so then cause jaena doesnt have the paper for CCD my mother wont let me drop them off to turn in a paper for their bus passes. but i was like..youre in charge of all their other educational decisions, and youre helping them with other education, should i help them too? since we're fucking taking over their lives??????? whatever though..fucking bullshit. and then i was pissed off the rest of the day, but i did start out in a bad mood. then i ate a little and watched TV. then my little sister was being a little bitch and talking back to me and hitting me..god..i hate her..but my mother doesnt know that shes such a busy body..then i put the rest of stuff in my car so i could leave already. im gonna leave hella early tomorrow..thank god. but my day was all bad...thinking about it makes me cry...

you dont think i dont hate this? you dont think im sad? you dont think i dont hurt. well at this point i am more angry than sad. you dont think im unhappy about how the way things turned out? what the hell is your problem. you think this is easy for me? thinking that takeing a break from you, the guy i supposedly love, is gonna make my life easier. how hard do you think it was for me to make that decision? im hurting right now but my being mad takes over everything. i know i messed up big time. and the only way i can fix this is to just let go for a bit, to relax and breathe. i know i messed up and caused this. but i cant take al lot of this right now. i have school to think about. and im sorry that school is more important than you, but it is, it has to be right now.

*sigh* life is difficult. no one, especially me, ever said anything different. my life is hard sometimes because of the decisions i make. and i know that. i, at this point, have been spared from making any really hard decisions. but ive had my share of minorly difficult, crazily absurd choices. sometimes you just make my life difficult. and yes. sometimes i am not as happy as i could be. but i always go back..i always call and i always say im sorry. and im sick a tired, not of you, but of arguing. i hate it. god. dont you get it? for awhile all i want is peace of mind. why are you fighting me so much on this. i want this. you really..honestly..dont have a choice. well you have two. you can stay and wait it out, to see if you can, if you want me afterwards. or you can just stop it. and get over it, and get over me and just be fed up with everything. im not giving an ultimatum. im just telling you what i think are your choices. you cant all of a sudden be mad and me and then whisper, as if youre dying, that you love me. or for me to not leave you. im not leaving you. im taking a break, you need one i need one. it makes me sad and hekka mad when you do that. most of all it hurts like a bitch. it feels like youre ripping my heart out. i made this decision and i cant back out now.
last night i was a bitch, and because i was one, so were you, and i couldnt do anything but run with it, and get it over with. everything just always come out. i cant help it. you make me make my life difficult. im sorry im this way. but i just am.
my life..this week has been living hell. lets recap:

1. decided on a break with greg
2. cried my eyes out at least 4 times a week
3. had to pack all my clothes and shoes
4. needed to buy so many things for school, but dont have the money to actually get what i want
5. i dont have ny money cause i used all my summer allowance
6. needed to clean my room, cause all the packing
7. got in huge fights with both my parents, yelling screaming fighting etc
8. hated my sisters at least four times a day
9. got in huge fight with greg
10. got in a stupid argument with jaime, which shouldnt have happened cause hes being a stupid punk and making me feel bad cause im busy, have a life, want to move on with my life, and have more important things than hanging out with a guy whom im not going out with, can do nothing for me, and am over. (hes being such a jerk. jaime, take it easy, im on a break with greg, this is not a free for all guilt teeny into feeling like a bitch. cause guess what. i was a bitch to greg already and im on a roll. im not taking no shit from anyone right now. so either we have a nice conversation of things other than you like me a lot bullshit you never hang out with me, im sad cause we dont hang out, or not conversation at all. i used to never talk to you, and i really dont see a problem with it. hey if im on a break with the guy im suposed to be in love with and dont feel like talking to him, man, im hella not gonna wanna talk to you.)
11. im just pissed off in general this week

lets see what gems next week, or even this weekend holds:

1. have to move in on saturday before 11AM
2. but i cant check in until 12? great
3. i have to move in ALL BY MYSELF
4. i have to be in daly city? burlingame? at 12pm for denise's bridal shower, BY MYSELF
5. no clothes for the bridal shower which costs as much as me getting my hair done
6. i have like 200 pages of reading to do before monday
7. after the bridal shower i have cotillion practice from 5-9
8. this is a dress rehersal, which means im wearing a dress..2 in fact
9. im probably just gonna sleep over krystle's house, or maybe not, or just go home seeing as i havent asked her yet.
10. on sunday i have to cotillion
11. 11AM is my hair appointment which is $45
12. my parents dont know i have to pay to get my hair done
13. i still have to do my own make up. which i dont know how to do
14. i have to be at the hotel at 2pm
15. cotillion form 5-11
16. my partner kinda does know the dance kinda doesnt, i dont either
17. i cant dance in heels
18. i have to drive back to school that night at like..midnight
19. i have an 8:30AM class the next day
20. i have homework already due in all of my classes
21. i have 2 jobs and like..8 hours a week
22. i have over 14 hours of lecture and lab each week
23. SHOOT ME NOW
24. i spen all of my school books money, but i still have to buy like..3 more books.
25. i have to move in...

well thats all my great next two weeks entails. if you wanna bitch with me, bring it on fucker, cause im mad at the world right now, and i would like to take all this anger and frustration out on someone. so please. piss me off so you can get yelled at. i dare you. and i dont care if im complaining. this is MY ONLINE JOURNAL. you dont like what im talking about THE DONT READ IT ASSHOLE. drag your frikkin arrow to the little X and click. so if i have missed anything or you want to make me explode into tears and destroy me 3 days before school starts, please, help yourself.