maslow

Abraham Maslow (1954) attempted to synthesize a large body of research related to human motivation. Prior to Maslow, researchers generally focused separately on such factors as biology, achievement, or power to explain what energizes, directs, and sustains human behavior. Maslow posited a hierarchy of human needs based on two groupings: deficiency needs and growth needs. Within the deficiency needs, each lower need must be met before moving to the next higher level. Once each of these needs has been satisfied, if at some future time a deficiency is detected, the individual will act to remove the deficiency.

1) Physiological: hunger, thirst, bodily comforts, etc.;
2) Safety/security: out of danger;
3) Belonginess and Love: affiliate with others, be accepted; and
4) Esteem: to achieve, be competent, gain approval and recognition
5) Cognitive: to know, to understand, and explore;
6) Aesthetic: symmetry, order, and beauty;
7) Self-actualization: to find self-fulfillment and realize one's potential; and
8) Self-transcendence: to connect to something beyond the ego or to help others find self-fulfillment and realize their potential.

i used to have numbers 1-7, but i got kicked down to number 2. i have most of my physiological needs met, except huger and thirst, but if you dont feel them, then you don't really need them, right? you can't progress from one without fulfilling the others. so i'm kinda stuck at number 2 until i heal and learn to love myself again or become social again or just kinda interact with anyone who isn't a co-worker.

i get it everyone. everyone knows. greg broke up with me finally blah blah. and i know my friends read this. so guys, really. don;t ask me about it. you know how much i'm hurting. you know how much im dying inside, you know how much this is killing me inside. dont ask, just know that i can't keep repeating over and over again what i did wrong and how it happened and i can't keep crying, i just can't. i don't need anyone else to tell me they saw it coming, i dont need anyone else to tell me it was my fault, i dont need people to say im better off or that things will get better because im not there yet. i'm not quite at that point where i can do that. so dont. you know, you already know. just dont okay? please..please..

i went crying to my dad today, i just cried to him. im hurting so bad. so so so bad. please, just don't. dont ask me to go out clubbing or drinking or to parties. its too early and i feel like it would be disrespectful to my own grief if i tried to forget right now, especially since i havent had 2 days in a row that i haven't cried. just, GOD LET ME BE SAD BY MYSELF. maybe next time. i'm not a guy. i can't cut him out of my life like he has with me. in the end i still loved him, he didn't love me. i dont care if you know hes going out i dont care if you know hes dating or fucking or freakin or drinking with other girls. i just dont want to hear it. hes over it im not, leave it be...

chocolate

so my nurse elizabeth talked to me today, asked me how ive been doing like everyone else does. and i said i was getting along okay. but inside i was screaming stop talking about him. stop talking about him he broke my heart. i can't talk about him without crying!!!!!!!!!!!!

and she said something...if they don't like chocolate then they dont like chocolate. but that doesn't mean its not chocolate. it still is, they just don't like it. its still chocolate...

it kinda made sense and it kinda made me really happy to hear it. maybe its because its been about 3 weeks, and maybe its because im getting better, but i thought about it and i just was like..okay. and i took a deep breath and went along with my day.

then i talked to evelyn. and i told her about it. she's like my big sister at work. she takes care of me and makes sure i'm okay and i have food to eat and stuff like that. and she told me her story. and i cried, and she cried cause i cried. it was sad. then she said her first instinct is that he met someone. he's so over it because he either met someone or wants to pursue someone already or has someone in mind that he thinks could take your place. he's met someone that can fulfill where you were. well damn. he should have told me. i feel better because now i feel like i can hate him instead of love him with all my heart. its easier to hate. i dont care if it consumes me. i just want to stop being sad. so it makes sense. he goes away for a weekend to LA with his friends and bunches of other college students and comes back to break up with me. of course he's met someone else...someone better than i am...

all that shit, its just fuckin chemical...(laverne on love) hahaha true. its all just chemical. when my body finishes this whole withdrawl process and my body chemicals are back in order, pre-biggest waste of my life..then i'll be over it... i can't wait. god just let this be over...

iv class

haha so. obviously..we had iV practice today. and i told everyone i'm a super hard stick. even the first time i went to an iV class for practice i told everyone that i was a hard stick and they still tried on me and missed.

so today, we had practice and i went first, and i got it on my first try, but kaylan is an easy stick, but when she tried to stick me, it didnt work. first of all i was so cold, cap refill of like 3-4 seconds and im severley malnourished. haha but yeah. so they tried twice to start an iV and pushing the needle in and out and fanning it and just plain poking around under my skin..and even our nurse educator tried, but she couldnt get it. hahaha and so after digging around for about..4 minutes in each hand, they stopped. then we did venipunctures, and i got kamal's venipuncture on the first try and then they asked if they could do a venipuncture on me, and i was like you can but im a super super hard stick. my ninja fish veins were hiding hahaha. and here's a picture of my poor hands =( they look better than they did right after the sticks. my poor hands didnt even look all that bad because THERES LIKE NO BLOOD FLOWING THROUGH MY HANDS RIGHT NOW..but yeah. iVs are fun.