happy birthday!

today was jazz-tinder's birthday. well it was chris ryan's too, but since the theme was backyardigans, it was more of jazzy's birthday...we ate at the house and then went to the jungle in san jose. it was fun. we played tag and my knees hurt so bad and are so bruised now...

more pictures...

thanksgiving

today was kinda hectic. first i went to sleep this morning at 3am then i had to pick up jackie and jasmine to go pick up tepe from the airport. then i drove to OAK and we picked up tepe, luckily she was already out and went went home, but not before re-dropping jackie and jazz-tinder off at their house. then i took a long nap and woke up at about...1230? then i took a shower, got ready, and went out to buy soda. then we all put on our make up and fixed the house and waited for my relatives to arrive. when they did we all had fun and ate and ate. the pictures tell the story. but so many people in my family are pregnant!! libay, nikki, and one more person. but its a surprise cause no one knows!!!!!! guess who!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm excited. all boys too..apparently? we were all thinking of names for them. it was fun. i miss my family.

no title

as i talked to ashley into the early hours of the morning, we came upon the topic of the future. and how people plan for the future and forget to cherish the present. they over look the small things in their lives and take today forgranted because we think there will be a million more times like that again. a million more kisses, a million more dinners and a million more hugs good bye. thats what i was guilty of the last time i was with greg and we were actually together. i always took everything about us forgranted. i fought and i fought and i threw fits like you would not believe and i pushed and i pushed. because i wanted him to push back and fight for me. i never thought it would end. i always thought we would be together and i saw our future so clearly that i took the present forgranted. like the last day we were together...

when i kissed him goodbye i didn;t know it was going to be my last kiss forever. i didn't know. but if i had, i would have never let it end. i would still be there, in that parking lot, in the cold, hugging him and kissing him. i was in such a rush to get home. oh i'll see him next time oh i'll see him whenever. and i drove away. not even a second thought. and then a week later it was over. how did it happen? how did we go from love and kisses and taking naps together in his bed and having sushi for dinner together, to saying goodbye forever and him not loving me? he was ready a long time before he told me. he used me. he didn;t love me that night. he lied when he told me he loved me while we were taking a nap. he lied because i didn't love me. he used me and then broke my heart when he didn't need me anymore. i wish. i wish i had held on longer, i wish i had kissed a little harder, i wish i had looked into his eyes with more love, i wish i had told him how much he means so me and how much he has of me.

but i didn't. i took it all forgranted and i lost it all. i pushed too hard and i'm not what he wants, not now not ever. i wish so much. my soul has returned, so i call it a lesson learned. and now i sit here, crying, mourning, dying inside, because of my mistakes.

in my heart of hearts i know i was made for him. but my mind knows that he wasn't made for me.

omg!

haha i found this on youtube..i miss college..i miss love..i think the two are linked

waiting

i heard the alicia keys CD was kick ass, but this..i'm hella loving her CD. i'm waiting for me to really be able to call this my song, cause i don;t think my soul has returned yet, or that i feel like its a lesson learned. why cause i still have that damn love thingie in my heart..so sooner or later..probably around the holidays..probably most likely my birthday..i will break down a cry so hard that i will hit rock rock bottom and rise up from those ashes like the proverbial pheonix did. like in harry potter..i guess? but i love her CD. i would always buy a CD whenever greg and i used to fight, i guess this is probably the last CD i'll ever buy? who knows. i'll maybe buy another one for another reason..hopefully. or someone will give me a CD then i wouldnt have to buy it.. yeah.


He broke my heart
And now it's raining
Just to rub it in
I'm at your door
I feel so crazy about it
You'll say I told you so
You saw it long ago
You knew he had to go
I finally came 'round
I'm back on solid ground
Can't let it get me down

It's alright
It's alright
It's alright

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

Sometimes
Some lies
Can take a minute
To fully realize
His tears
Your eyes
Thirty seconds to apologize
You give it one more chance
Just like the time before
But he already know you'd give a hundred more
Until that night in bed
You wake up in a sweat
You're racing to the door
Can't take it anymore

I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

Life perfect
Ain't perfect
If you don't know what the struggle's for
Falling down ain't falling down
If you don't cry when you hit the floor
It's called the past cause I'm getting past
And I ain't nothing like I was before
You ought to see me now

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned
So I call it a lesson learned
My soul has returned
So I call it a lesson learned
Another lesson learned

NRP

well as i predicted..i failed NRP, not really..haha i failed one of the 9 sections (i was only one question off) the whole test was like..150 questions..

this is what happened..
0800 sign in, introductions, itinerary
0830 watch "mega code" video
0900 take NRP certification test (150 questions, 9 sections)[mind you i only read sections 1-3 which are the basics that i already knew from BLS]
1000 test correction
1005 re-take section 5 INTUBATION which nurses do not do, only assist with..which is stupid that i have to know...
1010 finally pass NRP written portion
1010-1100 break
1100 practical portion which is basically running your own code in the delivery room. so we warmed, suctioned, and stimulated the baby, but they're still blue, intubate the baby, give epinephrine, survanta, etc through the ET tube with the right concentrations and the right dosages based on gestation age and weight. then do chest compressions and keep bagging and listen and still your damn newborn has meconium everywhere!! then you have to help insert a UVC and yeah then give epi through that (also based on weight and gestational age) then remember to have a flush and assess and keep bagging and chest compressions, only to realize that your baby is not responding to the epi and still dusky..why? WHY? you ask? because..they never told you, but your baby's HR is only 80 despite 3 turns of epi because s/he has a CONGENITAL HEART DEFECT THAT WAS NOT FOUND ON THE ULTRASOUND AND THE MURMUR IS ONLY PRESENT AFTER THE FIRST FEW MINUTES OF LIFE!!! which, by the way, the whole scenario happens in like..oh..7-10 minutes..all of it. so everything must be ready and drawn up etc etc. so its like 4 people and if its a 28 weeker or less, we have an RT there as well..so its even MORE people. and you have to do each role correctly, nurse 1,2,3, DR, and RT. its kinda gay. but unorganized and stuff. so yeah. crazy. but i passed. luckily. but i guess i have more in my mind than i thought...kind of exciting..

praying

today my family tired to pray the rosary. but i couldnt. i was too upset for some reason or another. so instead i cried and my mom talked to me about being sad. i cant help it. its been like forever since it happened. and im still a mess.

anyways..kaiser didnt pay me all my hours this pay period again. im getting mad. i only got paid like $700 for 2 weeks. when i usually get..oh..i dunno..$1,900. yeah i know im pissed too.. but yeah... have not studied for NRP tomorrow.. gonna fail another thing i fail at. well its like my failing streak right? i'll let it slide since my life is so fuckin great now..haha failed relationship, failed as a girlfriend, failing as a nurse, failing as a human being in general, failing the NRP. damn. the only thing i'm good at is cring ans being a pathetic ex-girlfriend that cant get over it.

i never thought id ever be that ex. i always thought i was better than that. but im the fucking college sweetheart people. im the fucking girl hes gonna tell his son about. i'm gonna be the girl he had and dumped. im such a fuckin cliche. thats what the last 4 years of my life has amounted to. a fuckin cliche in his life..how fucking embarassing...

this is me typing this blog. i know i dont look like im crying, but i was. and thats a picture of my bed..its so messy, but warm to sleep under. why clean my bed when im the only one that sleeps in it?

thanks laverne..

i pretty much was crying tears of anger when i saw this. its so true.

work today was okay. nothing else to say

hhmm

some days are harder than others, some days you just want to break down, and some days you just keep trying. i don't know which days are worse. the days that you just break down and actually do it, or the days that you know you have to go on and keep trying. they both hurt and they both make more tears than you could ever imagine, but at least when you actually do break down you feel..you feel like your tears can actually fall somewhere, like your pillow, on someone's shoulder, or onto old pictures as opposed to working through it and having your tears fall on toilet paper in the staff bathroom during your 15 minute break. or waiting until you're outside of church in your car to let them all spill over.

ive been so tired these last few days. and i'm only getting more and more tired. i haven;t studied for my NRP certification yet and i have to get my PALS done too, by january. so i'm gonna be in full study mode. im a little amazed at myself, regardless of the fact that i cry myself to sleep everynight and wake up the same way. i still do it, i take care of my patients, i clean them, i hug them, i let them cry to me, i let them be scared and show it to me and tell them its okay. comforting them in all of their little fears, fears of needles, not going to school, their innocence kills me. i hurt so bad inside comforting them because right now their pain is probably because they're sick and little, but when they get older, their pain is caused by themselves. no nurse christine can give them tylenol to take the heartbreak away or a bandaid to put the pieces of their heart back together. no nurse christine can find them a DVD player so they can watch their favorite movie while they get blood drawn. they really do it all to themselves and have to make themselves feel better. i wish i could start over. so so many regrets...

i wish i lived in the future. i wish there were a cure for a broken heart, other than time, because even then it'll hurt. it never goes away they say. then why do the hell do we do it? fall in love? take chances? make it work for as long as we can when there's no guarantee of posterity or longevity? and i think its because of the memory. this one in particular for me:

driving away form my house with greg on our way to his house. we were going camping. and i couldn't believe it. i was so amazed i did it. i told them, i went with him, i took a chance and now i was about to spend 4 days with the love of my life. driving away from my home without him, to his home with him. it was one of the most fulfilling experiences in my life. i was happy. i felt complete, i felt like i was going to make it with him. that we would get through this summer and more of these trips would come about. we held hands and decided what we would eat on our way there and what we needed to do about the party. i was so excited to be with him, to have the whole weekend with him. well and his family. i felt like we were going somewhere. loading my bike into the back of the van..

the whole trip, the memory, makes me have so many regrets that i wasnt better. when i think about it my heart is so happy, then i slowly remember that i wont ever get to do that again. that some other girl will take my spot next summer on the camping trip. someone else will be kissing him and hugging him and holding his hand and going biking and hiking and swimming. and i get scared and sad. then i remember why i hate thinking...