its like a circle

its like a continuous circle how my relationship goes yenno? its good its bad its horrible then its good then its bad then its okay then its bad then its okay then its good then its good then its bad. its so tiring. its so tiring being angry at the same thing over again. then why be mad at them you ask? because. simple answer. because they still suck and it still hurts and maybe sooner or later i'll be able to cry my eyes out enough and a portion of my brain will fall out that happens to remember all the horrible things that have ever occured in my life while in this relationship. thats why. right now..its iffy. im very testy and mad and moody and i dunno. just all over the place. he doesnt call til midnight he doesnt call during the entire day. not when hes at work, not when he's awake, not when he's out. he just doesnt have time for me. and i am a very needy perosn. phone time is all the time we have practically. and when its whittled down to 2 hours a day when i dont ever see him for more than 5 hours a week, its kinda straining on our relationship, yenno? he doesn really understand how much i think about him and how much i just want to be around him and talk to him. its just crazy. i know i blow a lot of things out of proportion, but like. you have to understand i only see him once a week, and we only talk for about 2 hours each day. thats really hard on me. especially since im alone at home and hes always out doing something, without me, having way more fun than ever without me, and i dunno. its stupid to get mad at the same things over and over again i know. but its the only thing that makes him care about me and makes him call and talk to me, when there is a problem. he never calls when we're okay. only when we're fighting. i think its time for one of those changes, where weve become really comfortable, too comfrotable in our relationship. i just feel lost and like not doing it anymoresometimes because its like..oh..talking to someone once a night and seeing them once a week. i could talk to a guy here and see him everyday. buti dont do that because i love him. but its sure is tempting. but i would never. so i just sit here alone. waiting for him. whenever it's convenient for him to talk. i dont know...help me...

i dunno how...

Tell me how could I ever forget to be your lover
Now I realize that you need love too
Spend my life makin' love to you Oh, girl
Oh, I forgot to be your lover
When she starts bringin' up old dirt
And the fights keep getting worse
Findin' numbers in her purse
Better put that woman first
And you know she ain't wearin' her ring
When she starts playin' little games
Comin' in late from work
Always put that woman first

nighttime

nighttime used to be my favorite time of day. well my favorite time of the day as a whole. because nighttime isnt really day..etc. it was because at night i got to talk to you. nighttime let me talk to all of you, you may all have different names and look different, but you were all the same. i because a nighttime friend. nothing during the daytime. no talking no looking no smiling no calling. nothing. like i dont exist during the day. i thought that would change once i had you. you were my freaking world, day or night i thought about you and me and how everything in my life revolved around school and us. i gave you everything you asked of me. i gave you my time my love and whatever else you wanted. why? because i loved you. daytime or nighttime you were on my mind and i called you relentlessly, i chalked it up to these butterflies and the need to always hear your voice, i can become very clingly. but i got nothing. sometimes you would answer, but you were busy, you had something to do, you were eating, about to leave, driving. one million excuses, one million times hearing your voicemail rejecting me again. i used to call you when i first woke up because i swear i thought of you every second, but you dont, you never do. im your nighttime girlfriend. i dont become a thought in your mind until right before you go to bed. during the day the sunlight evaporates memories of me from you mind and i dont exist. don't worry thought because others have done thing to me too, where im not their friend except on the phone and at night. someone to talk to when the loneliness of nighttime scares them, who can they count on, use toget through the night. me. im such a pushover about it i guess. hopes of something more always blind me to the facts. im such a loser about it. i only matter, we only matter, when you have absolutely nothing to do. i don't exist in you life when others are around. too much of your time is taken by everything that isnt me to even pay attention to me when you're awake. maybe if you woke up 2 hours earlier it wouldnt happen. hhmm when to call when to call..how about when im so tired i can only tlak for 30 minutes? call to say goodnight should be good enough. am i not serious enough for you to take seriously? is our relationship not serious enough for you to subject yourself to a little more than one hour a day. well i guess it is because you spend 16 hours sleeping. this isnt a relationship, its like one of those love lines, livelinks, lavalife, talk to girls at night 555-girl without the whole sexual thing and huge fake boob thing going on. this whole joke has gone on long enough dont you think? dont we deserve more if this is to turn out the way we want it to? or am i just complaining again? probably you'll see it as complaining again..so wyhat that im insecure about the relationship? and about myself. and about us and you and me and everything. take it, leave it, help it, dont ignore it. btw that was a nice comment about killing myself last night. im sure you wish i did, just to prove everything you think about me right. that would be running away right? my calling card..running away..