this is my obsession

Im so obsessed. Im so obsessed with someone, anyone, hearing what I have to say. Im obsessed with typing out things, concepts, theories, words…that I would tell him. So many things run through my mind every second. Ways to make it better, ways I could get over him, ways I could be together with him, ways I think he’s gonna tell me its over. Half the time I want him to come back and just have him tell me that he loves me and its worth it. The fighting, the arguing, the only seeing eachother once a week, its all worth it and we should have another chance. thats the side that still wears the earrings and the ring because it means we still have a chance and we're together. but my more rational side, my sane side, the side that wears the earrings and the ring because they're mine and pretty and shiny, knows that he would be crazy to not take this opportunity to walk away from this bullshit, this pseudo-love, that i swear is the best thing that ever happened to me. i don't know. i want him to be happy and knowing that me being myself hurts him wants him to walk away from me and go far far away and be happy with someone who appreciates and loves him and who will be nice to him and not be mean like i am. someone cliser who loves the things he does, who makes him happy. because in the end all i really want is for him to be happy, with whomever, with whatever situation makes him happy. and as each second and horrible scenario passes through my mind, i think more and more, the he really is fed up with this. and on november 1st, he'll crush me with the words "ive been thinking about it, and we don't work, this isn't working, its over" and thats how far ive gotten in the scenario in my head. but im sure when i think about it more, it'll have things like my crying and begging and being angry and running away only to regret everything and it'll be too late because he will have gotten on the freeway and driven away from me for the last time. i know i'm so detailed and morbid. i don't know how i do it. im just so creative.

this stupid distance. the stupid 128 miles apart thing is what kills us. it what has been killing us. i also play through the scenarios where i leave both my jobs, move out to sacramento and we live happily ever after. but seeing as i'm a new grad, less than 6 months experience, i'll never get a job until like...the next batch of new grads comes out, which will be january. i wish i could. i seriously thought about it, if it would help. i have money saved up. and its more than one would think. but not enough. im stuck. its sink or swim time. and theres like a ton of rocks in my shoes already.

but on the lighter side. my new jacket came in today. im excited. i love it. i tried it on and i think i'll buy the other one that i wanted too. see i'm buying things to try and fill the void in my soul that he used to occupy. unhealthy i know. but what else is there? nothing. thats what. so i went shopping again today but i refrained myself from buying anything. thats the right word right? i dunno.......

coincidence

man talk about the radio sending you mixed messages. hahah you know you had that one thing happen to you and you turn on the radio and that perfect song starts playing and you're like wow. i know what you mean. hahaha. well yesterday i heard john legend's ordinary people on the radio as the first song that played on the radio when i was leaving greg's. and i was like this could be good this could be bad, but i love that song. and it first sent me sobbing again, but then it really calmed me down cause if you know the song, which you should, then you know its about how we're only human and we make mistake and anything could happen. this could be the big break up or this could be a turning point in the relationship. like the line "maybe another fight, maybe we won't survive, maybe we'll grow we never know, baby you and i, we're just ordinary people. etc. so could see how i was just feelin the radio that day.

well on the flip side to making me feel better...i was just sitting here on my bed and i was listenting to the radio looking at my bank account and the song don't wanna try came on, by frankie j. and then i was like, great. now the radio is telling me that we're not gonna make it when yesterday it gave me hope. hahaha. i know listen to me i must be crazy. hahah. but really i just started crying. because it really was one of those perfect songs that you swera they wrote for you and your life. hahah it talks about trhowing the last 4 years away and how love hurts us and how we talked about the future but its so far away because we fight. so basically its my life. and it hurt me because i'm one of those people that believes in signs. and just listening to that song, which is strange that it would be on the radio in the middle of the day because its friday at like 1100AM, i felt like the song was for me and all hope went down the drain and i'm left with a wet face, no love, and i'm back on the breakdown countdown. look up the lyrics, you'll see what i mean. i'm gonna be doing this all week huh? cause i have no one to talk to about it. i know. but i havent written in here for a long time so yenno..its okay. not that too many people read this. i know maybe 3 people that read this, plus me, which duh makes 4. hahah. i dunno. so now the radio has bumped me to the dread side....

good times

okay i know this picture was posted already, but we look so cute and for two minutes i wish i was this happy. and i know these are blatant come back to me's but hey, i don't know if people read this on a regular basis.

and its a cute picture. i was just looking at old blogs and i am one angry person. hahaha. but look how happy and pretty i can be if i try.

bad days

last night i couldn't sleep. yesterday i went on a huge shopping binge. i needed to get out i needed to do something crazy i needed to make a change...so therefore i spent 300+ dollars on clothes for my sister and i. she loved it. i felt guilty afterwards. hahaha. and then on top of that i ordered a 100 dollar jacket online when i got home cause i was so depressed that i couldn't get this red roxy jacket cause i don't look good in red, but maryann does, so i bought it for her. i know i know. but i needed to fill this void that was left because i haven't been talking to greg. i needed to get out you know? i was itching to call him a million times, but i couldn't, so i went shopping. ah, retail therapy, good for the soul, killer on the bank account. hahaha.

so now i have a few new items..and i stress the few. the items i bought were very pricey. well i wan't that bad cause like 100 dollars of it was scrubs. i dunno. im obsessed. hahahah. well. yeah so there you go, i'm addicted to spending my own money. but again i say, i work for a reason.

my body still hasn't recovered from the double i pulled last week. my eyes hurt, my body still aches, and i never feel satisfied with the sleep i get. even though i get somewhat enough (7.5 hours on average on a good night) i still have these horrible dreams, horrible vivid dreams. they make me feel like i havent slept at all.

i remember i used to have these nightmares in college and i'd wake up crying for no reason. but at school i would make up next to greg and he would hug me and make me feel safe again. he would wipe away my tears, kiss my forehead, snuggle my body next his, and stroke my hair until i stopped crying and went to sleep. he would tell me it was only a bad dream and that i was safe with him. i miss those days. i miss waking up next to him. i miss having him protect me and make me feel safe.

work has been okay. i know i'm running myself thin and this isn't healthy or good and i'm about to burn out in about a month, but it'll be worth it when i can do it. when i can be a nurse. when i can do things for myself. when i can take pride in what i do. i know i'm working impossible hours and working too hard and not sleeping enough and crying too much. but this is the first time i've been able to prove myself, that i am smart enough and good enough to be a nurse regardless of my age or apperance. and i am completely failing. i go to work with red puffy eyes. barely awake. on the brink of tears because i'm so overwhelmed. it hurts to admit it. but i'm failing. failing horribly. i come home and sleep and eat then sleep. i ignore my boyfriend. the one person that has stood by me through everything. alienated him past the point of no return. ive pushed him to hell and back. and all because of my stupid pride and my stubborn attitude. i was so blind. and i get it. i pushed myself so hard that i pushed us apart. i still love him. i love him even more now that i'm on this slowly sinking spiral into my own burnout.

it really hit me when i thought about what he said last night about me not supporting him and him supporting me through everything. he told me that he was there for my senior thesis presentation. how ironic. i researched it, i wrote a freakin 40 page thesis on the damn thing, and i was too blind to see how it was destroying my personal life. i'm lousy at life. hahah. it's like someone being a cancer specialist and them having cancer without even knowing it? i dunno, bad analogy. but its similar. i need to take care of myself, what matters to me, my relationship with a wonderful guy, and my health. 21 and already burnt out. wonderful! i mean you see it don't you? all the classic signs of burnout? all of them. depersonalization, anger, anxiety, changes in skin complexion, illness, fatigue, depression only to name a few. breakdown of personal and professional relationships. weight changes, and so on. i didn't see it until yesterday, well this morning, well, on the 25th.

its the hardest thing to see a person you love cry because of you. i was so wrapped up in my own world i didn't see how much he needed me. i love him so much, i've been so stupid. i miss him everyday and he can't do it. he can't be with me because i make it hard. because i can't do it all, i can't have it all. i basically gave him a week to figure out how to break up with me. so for a week i hate myself, for a week i wake up and it hits me like a ton of bricks that its one day closer to the end. that nothing i can do can change it. my life hurts. my life hurts me. my personality, my lifestyle, won't let me have happiness. how do i win him back? do i have a chance? i hope. thats all i can do. but my body is so spent, my heart is so mangled, my outlook on life, my life, is so bleak with the thought of losing him, the person i thought i'd be with forever, that my last few bits of hope are spent keeping me from driving into oncoming traffic as i drive away from the only guy i'll ever love.

with all that said, after i got home i had to take a quick nap before work. my face, my brain, my body, my life hurt so bad by 330pm that i cried when my mom told me to drop her off at the front and i made a wrong turn. i didn't know how i was going to make it through the PM shift. but i took my advil and went to work. the first few hours were hard. my head hurt, i got dizzy everytime i looked up and the monitors. i swore i was going to pass out. and i almost did a couple of times. i started to get bored to i wrote my signature over and over and over again to make it look pretty, and i started to try and write my first name with greg's last name and then i just lost it. i was so mad at my wallowing, i was so mad at my hope. i was so mad at my heart for loving him and making it so hard for me. i was mad at myself for having so much hope as to stupidly write my name with his last name. so i stopped, and i wrote him a letter that i'll probably not give him again.

then when i was at my most pathetic, my baby patient's parents came in. they're young, maybe 26. their baby was born at 27 weeks and he had a whole slew of problems. she was 58 days old and he hasn't even been out of the hospital, in the sun, even in the cold. his parents were so young, their baby had come such a long way and was so fragile. i thought to myself, how sad, how sad they must feel because their baby is so sick. or did i feel happy because they had hope? the odds were all against their tiny new family, and still they were there, feeding the baby, loving her, like she was God's most perfect creation. i don't know if i could do it. i don't know. they had so much hope for their tiny baby who had all the odds against her, and yet she was alive and she was perfect to them. their hope and prayers were all answered. and then i felt stupid. how could i think i was ready for everything that i wanted. how could i be ready for life. when i can;t even fathom life without greg? this young couple was living and loving all because they had hope, they had a good reason to hope, they loved this little baby and she did nothing to hurt them. i've hurt greg so many times, how could my hope keep us together? my stupid little bit of life left in my heart that has been torn apart and abused and bruised and anything else you can name, this little piece of hope for us. i'm not good enough for hope. but maybe? but maybe if their hope could keep a little baby alive for them to love, my little hope can keep us alive for love. right? anything's possible.

i still can't get over the dark pain that i felt as i drove away from greg, quite possibly for the last time. it started in my chest and spread throughout my torso. like i couldn't breathe. this is what love has done to me. this is what i've done to myself. i'm so scared and unsure of what will happen within this next week. i wish i could snuggle into a little ball and be safe. i wish i could use my little bit of hope to keep myself alive and safe and growing.

SANTA CRUZ..part II

so here's part two because i couldn't fit it all in one post. hahaha these pictures are the best. ask me about them. ruby and jun look super cute together hahahaha i had so much fun again. i'll talk you through the story when i see whomever wants too talk to me and see them. hahahah but you get the jist. none of them are in order....but you can tell how much i had fun and that i really needed i break from everything and they knew just want to do and where to take me and how to make me feel better about myself and just make me feel like i'm worth it. i havent this much fun a long long time. i really appreciate them so much...i can't stress how much i needed a break. i work like 56 hours a week at two different jobs and everyone takes takes takes at work. and i finally got to do something for myself. i'm all better. well for about a few days til life punches me in the face with work again. =( but for now i'm having a good time and spending money like crazy =) hey i make it for a reason...