beautiful day

i heard the doorbell ring a couple of minutes ago. i thought it was you and my heart started to beat fast and my palms started to sweat and i paced my room, waiting to hear a knock on my room door. but none ever came. and i felt foolish cause i thought it was you, but it wasnt, it was no one. and i thought to myself, why am i doing this. and it hit me. i dont know. and i still dont know. and its gonna be that way until i know. and i dont know when that is or how thats gonna work or whats gonna happen. in the back of my mind i hoped that you would visit me today, to pick up your bag of course, but you didnt. what was i to expect. i shouldnt have. its not your responsibility to see me. because it was all my decision. and because i did this, because of everything, i have to live through not having you. even thought i want you, but i cant have you, because of me. i dont expect you to understand. i dont myself. im all mixed up inside and i dont know how im supposed to feel and i dont know how to deal and i dont know how to make things better because i seem to make everything worse. you dont want to beg me anymore. im not asking you to. maybe this is for the best, maybe i just lost the biest thing in my entire life becasue i was scared. no matter what happens its what i did, i did this to me and there's no turning back. something inside of my tells me that this is stupid, that this is ridiculous and i shoudl stop being so stubborn, and another part is telling me im stupid because nothing ever happened when you tired to fix it the other way. well i got my way this time. thats what i want right? isnt it? i got my way? i guess something is telling me no matter what everything will be okay with us. gopefully this isnt the worst mistake of my life. i hope..i hope everything will be okay. it has to be okay. or else i wont know what to do with myself. or anything. wow i really hope i didnt just ruin my life. the tears that are streaming down my eyes are telling me that i did just that and that im wrong and i just..i just..i just..i just destroyed any chance at happiness. what did i know? what do i know? nothing. im young, inexperienced, naieve, and stupid. how do i know what i want. maybe it was in front of me all along and i didnt know it. all i know is. it sucks and it hurts, but i cant do anything, because i did this to myself..imade this decision..but then i never thought you'd let me. i never thought we wouldnt be...