'thats all it is, thats all it was, thats all it ever could be...'

god i cant think..i dont know what to do..everything is stupid..only 2 more weeks..you can make it..only 2 more weeks..i dont know whether im happy or what..things are..difficult..i thought i was happy..but i was happy before..and i sacrificed so much to become happy..but at the expense of so much emotion.. so many things that mattered..but i didnt matter..and well..i wanted to make it work because i thought this could replace it..but it hasnt and ive been blind to it because i wanted my sacrifices to be worth it and not just on an impulse..i thought i could be right..just this once..but it turns out im never right..im always wronged..in every sense and everytime..what i didnt want to happened did..i tried to reassure myself many times about this..and the answer was always yes..this is right..this is what you should be doing..youre okay..but not this time..this time im dying inside because i cant figure it out..i cant seem to understand whats wrong..what did i do wrong..and how do i fix it..maybe there is no fixing it..my revelation was so shocking to me..and i said it out of anger..but words of anger are sometimes words of truth..only to be let out in times where nothing but blind rage and emotion are the keys which open yourself..your soul..to the answers..i know i sound hella gay and stupid..but its true..i never let anything go..and its tearing me apart..tomorrow i hope it will all be over..but i tried so hard to make it work..do my efforts mean nothing? was everything in vain? am i that stupid and blind..god damn it..someone tell me if im doing the right thing..someone make a decision because it nothing will happen without one..someone tell me what to do..if you know what im talking about..because i sure as hell dont know what to do..lets keep my mind off of these stupid things..well..here's my schedule until i move in..if you see an opening and want to hang out..just call me or e-mail me..please..

AUGUST
4: uumm..get RV ready for Las Vegas trip and pack!post office too..
5: hopefully go to the beach with my friends and get my mind off of stuff
6: Las Vegas here i come!!
7: still in vegas..i think im gonna think about my relationship with different people during my trip..
8: still in vegas
9: still in vegas..claire's birthday party..sorry i couldnt go hun!
10: driving back from vegas..hope i got you something..hope i fugured things out
11: *DANCE CAMP 9-4..yay.hopefully being with the old crew will help me..
12: *DANCE CAMP 9-4..i love dancing..new floor!! i should start packing today..yasmin's potluck @ lake elizabeth
13: doctors appointment @ 10AM..maybe they think im pregnant..AGAIN..haha..oh and..*DANCE CAMP 9-4..dancing gets it all out..maybe i'll call my room-mates today
14: *DANCE CAMP 9-4..wash all laundry ever..buy stuff i need..keep packing
15: *DANCE CAMP 9-4..keep packing..if i didnt call my room-mates..
16: mah buddy elizabeth's graduation party @ 3pm..YAY..the old gang..food..fun..and dancers..?
17: church? nothing else really..i wonder when nicole's birthday party was supposed to be..prolly yesterday wash dance clothes used during camp so i can wear them again next week..hahahaha..buy school supplies?
18: *DANCE CAMP 9-4..keep packing..keep washing..get organized..etc..pack computer
19: *DANCE CAMP 9-4..packing and packing..last minute items bought..pack my dance clothes..
20: MOVE IN DAY!! IM LEAVING @ 7AM!! 'shes leaving home after living alone for so many years..goodbye..' too late..im gone baby!!
21: orientation blah 1st full day in dorm..
22: orientation..blah..
23: supposedly my mother's kaiser work picnic @ walnut creek..swimming..etc..but that might fall through and i might be in like..orientation again..but either way..last day of orientation!!
24: leanna roquelle's baptism party @ 3PM..at contempo hall..
25: FIRST DAY OF COLLEGE!!!! =(

*i dont have to stay the whole time..i mean if you wanna hang out at like..2 or something i can go..im going back so i can have my last memories doing the things i love to do..like dancing and swimming

LIST OF THINGS I WANT/NEED TO DO BEFORE I GO:
(so if you want to do one of these things with me..call me or e-mail me and we can plan it and stuff)
1. go out..at night..like i used to..aka sneak out..you know who im talkin to (..not you hoh..)
2. go to the beach..again..and again..and again..and jump in the waves likea little kid
3. walk around lake elizabeth..actually..mr and christina are gonna do that so if you wanna go with us..
4. go out..at night..again..hahaha..(nope..still not you hoh)
5. play in almost every park where i live
6. go biking through coyote hills..the entire area..to the bridge and through the trails..
7. see the lights up at cal state at night..its so pretty..the veiw is gorgeous
8. watch a movie..me and yasmin are gonna watch uptown girls..so if you wanna join us..
9. figure out all the crap in my life..haha..please help me do this
10. go shopping for school supplies and dorm stuff and presents..
11. pack..i always need help lifting stuff
12. see all of my friends that went to logan and those who i didnt get to hang out with at moreau last year..

hahaha today was uumm..fun...hahaha..we found a new park tp play hot lava tag in..and uumm..okay heres how my day went..at 10 we went to mass..then we went home and we got ready for the picnic/birthday party at kennedy park in union city. then we went there and there were only white people because my little nephew is half filipino and half white..so they were all there and i was filipino..haha..then we ate and it was all good..and i saw that the park would be a good park to play hot lava tag in because it was big and it connected very well..haha..then i took a nap in the car and then we went home..then antony called and i regaled him with my stories about us and parks..hahah me and my cousins are savage..then jaena and jackie walked to my house and we went to wal mart then food maxx to get soda for the trip to las vegas..then we went back to kennedy park to go and play..okay hot alva tag is where the person who is it cannot touch some parts of the park but the people who arent it cant touch the ground..its a very fun game..so we played for like 2 hours while hekka ghetto gangsters walked around us..then we left..then we went to cabello..played extreme tennis lke 5 people for a half court facing a wall..hahaha..and butt up..i dunno..its strange..but fun..hahah..then we went to the teeter totter and played..YOU AINT GOT NOTHIN ON ME AND JAENA..WE RULE PUSHING THE TOTTER!! hahaha..my legs got hella red and crap though..hella bruising..then we played more hot lava tag across 2 parks..haha..then we played dunk it..then we had to leave cause it was like..8:45..we played in parks for like..4 hours..HAHAAHAH..