save me

i won the lottery when i met him. to try again would be selfish.


im going crazy. everything i do everything i think reminds me of him. everytime im think about him i think about how hes not thinking of me and i die a little. i guess after a few weeks you have nothing left that living on the inside. i cant do this. i cant. i cant be okay with it i cant be friends with him when i want more. i love him. damnit. he so happy without me. if i was a good person i'd let him be happy without me and be happy about the ahooy times we had. but he wont even let me do that because i ruined it i messed it up. one nice text from me one nice word from em two weeks ago and i would happy right now. one nice thing from me. im so stubborn. hes already forgotten about me. stopped picking up my calls, everything. he so good at everything. at being a boyfriend at being single. at everything. i love him for being good at everything. at holding my hand and kissing and hugging and cuddling and nuzzling and just loving me. if he were't good at those things would i be here spilling my heart out on the internet? if he wasnt a good boyfriend would we have been together for so long? how can he just stop? how can he just do nothing. how can he just leave me? how can he just stop living me, caring about me? how can one weekend apart with his friends without me change his mind so drastically? how can i prove that we work that we can be together? how can i prove that we work? do i give him time? do take that chance that he could meet someone 10 times more wonderful than me? which isnt so hard. how can i move on when i know in my heart of hearts that hes the one for me? hes perfect! he loves me i know it. i just make him more angry when i ask him. i just want him to completely destroy me. i want him to completely rip my heart to shreds. i want him to tell me he found someone else. he has feelings for someone else. he broke up with me because there is someone else that he needs to try with. i want him to kiss other girls in clubs to hurt me. i need to be hurt. i need to be destoryed completely in order to rebuild myself. or i'll stay in this stupid place forever.

we went camping together! his mom made me sanwiches. his dad and i talked a lot this past summer. i went to his mom's talk at the divine mercy conference. i drove up there to make it better. i drove up there to show him i support him. i drove up there to ask him to just love me. and nothing. im so scared. im never going to find anyone. i dont want to find anyone.

i'm going to miss so many things in his life. things that i've been looking forward to. things that i want to experience with him. i want to be there for his graduation! i was to be there for his last SP formal as a student! i want to be there for chirstmas and new year's eve! i want to be there for his life. i want to be a part of him and his life and his future. the ring has 3 stones not 2! past present and future. we've only used up 2 of them. we still have the future!!!! im so so lonely. i never told him how proud of him i am, i never told him how much i love him and how lucky i am to have been with him and how supportive and loving and wonderful he is. our last kiss was outside of the sushi restaurant. i was in a hurry to leave because i had to get home. but what i wouldnt give to go back and linger there for a few more minutes, moments even. just to soak him up. just to soak up his love for the last time. just to, just to be there in the moment instead of rushing things. i took us foregranted and im paying the price. i wish he would come back to me. i would be happy. loved. whole. please let me be with you. im only made for you.

day off

didn't do much. they tried to call me in for work, but i told them i was too depressed from a break up. haah they lady was like. i'm sorry. and hung up. hahahaha. funny. anyways. talked to a friend of mine that i havent talked to in a long time. it was fun. my heart still hurts, im still not hungry, and i still want to drive off a bridge with my ass stapled to the seat. so in short. nothing new...

halloween

oh p.s.
who else felt the hige ass earthquake yesterday and all the baby ones today? i did. yes yes i did. i'm pretty sure the whole building was gonna collapse on us. and i thought are you effing serious? i'm gonna die here? like this? great. hahahah. only minor injuries though. made me think i needed to do something because life is too short. so i did. and...


so things didn't turn out how i had hoped. no composure kept. tears, trembly little lip, beggin, yelling, everything but calm like i had totally psyched myself out to be. but i lost it. so much for self coaching. whatevs. its getting easier and easier. i was talking to maryann and i decided that the more i bother him like this, the less he'll give me hope. the less he'll want to be my friend, and more and more slowly, he'll phase me out. (in case you didnt go on the sp friendship games trip last last weekend, greg broke up with me that weekend, but don't worry i didn't really find out until last sunday so a whole bunch of people got to pity me before i was able to pity myself) so yeah thats what happened. and he just keeps telling me that it doesnt work never ever never ever will we work ever, i'm tired of it. and i guess i get it. but it still hurts like a knife in the heart. no i still love you no i miss you. he doesn't miss me. you'd think i'd have to be a terrible person in order to drive someone that loved you so much past the point of feeling for you. i'm such an over achiever. this whole heart thing isnt getting any better either. i have that appointment in a couple days, but it'll resolve itself yenno? i ate food today. i know big whoopee. but i seriously haven't eaten in like 3 days. but i had soda and chicken nuggets and some fries from wendy's. but i was so sad because thats that greg and i eat all the time that i threw it all up in the bathroom again. hahaha. so i technically ate. details details.

so this year i dressed up as sailor mars. it was cute. pictures to follow. i only have like 1 picture but was busy.

i'm sad that i'm gonna miss all the milestones with him. thanksgiving, christman, new years, vegas, his graduation. yenno it sucks. i've been waiting and waiting for it. ive been waiting for us to be this close, but its like blah! hes like whatever those come every year blah blah i might not even graduate. but you know he wont care if i'm at his graduation regardless of the fact that besides him and his parents i'll be the happiest person he's graduating. i want to wait. i don't want to lose him. i don't want him to find anyone else. i want him to be happy with me. he's not gonna think its a mistake, he's happy without me. he doesnt miss me, but i said that already.



p.s. mandy i love you and miss you so so so so so much

my horoscope says:

individual: Someone is trying to overload you -- or themselves -- with more work or stress than is realistic. Today is perfect for identifying deadwood and clearing it out of your life, so be ruthless about it!

Couples: Talking is good. Knowing when to listen is even better. You have a million ideas right now, but so does your darling. When it's your turn to hear them out, make sure you're paying attention.

(okay. i will. or at least i'll try.)

so i just got back from work then dance and i'm so tired. this is what working 3 shifts in 2 days looks like. yeah thats right...24 hours in 48 hours. it hurt me too. shock of my life. but i need to keep busy. i need to keep my mind off of other things. i need to be busy. even if it means working myself into exhaustion. anything to keep me from thinking about everything...