its been so long since i last told anyone who reads this thing whats been going on in my life. i know its sad. school is hard. psych was easy. hahaha. i do the same thing everyday, day in and day out. what else is there. things were going great. i failed my first test ever. a 72. how sad. my lowest grade in college ever, except in micro. hahaha. but yeah. i started med-surg 2 and its so hard. crazy hard. i dont even know what to do. i just feel like crying again.
everything has been so hectic, the weeks go by so so so fast, but it seems like there is an endless amount of them. school is so much harder this semester than it has ever been and i've been slacking off so badly.
things change and i dont know how to deal. and i can do it myself. when someone is supposed to be there to support you, and they say they can't. its because they wont. im so sad about it. and i feel alone, but really, ive always been alone during the week. so this shouldnt have been anything else different, except i really did need someone. and you werent there. i was there. i had to be there for everyone and now. i dont know. i dont need you. you dont even care about me. you can't, thats bullshit. i really honestly needed you and your support, but i guess i can do it alone. so there. be there and support other people, but not me. the one person whom you said you loved more than anything, forever. haha, oh sad ironies. i was so abandoned. i am so abandoned. by you. you should have known. i was broken into a million pieces and you werent there to help put back the pieces. do you know what that feels like? it feels like you're not loved. it feels terrible. and for you to tell me that you didn't know and you couldnt, well. that just takes the frikkin cake. so thanks, for really showing me that you can be there for others, but not for me. ME!!!! youre supposed to love me. youre supposed to be there for me. youre supposed to protect and take care of me. but i got nothing. while i was crying you were practicing. your stupid friendship games was so much more important that my emotional distress. well then go. i hope you had wonderful fun at friendship games. and i hope it can really take the place of me. but apparently it already has. 2 fucking years = one weekend in LA. way to prioritize and choose whats more important to you. you showed me. boy was i stupid. you need to grow up. have your stupid SP club bullshit. its so much better and more fulfilling than our relationship was. i hope youhad fun i hope you got plastered, i hope that you did things i would not EVER be proud of. you may as well, since its not like we're together. yes im bitter. because STUPID PEOPLE got you. i got nothing. i always get nothing. your friends have always been more important to you. never have i been first. cars, anime<--how sad how fucking sad im below anime, driking with friends, friends, your fucking club, EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD, then me. thats the order. and i hate you for it. i hate you for not being there. i hate you for not saving me. i hate you for not protecting me. i hate you for not being able to give me a fucking hug when i need it. its all worthless if i save everything and give everything to you when i dont get anything in return. it hurts. and im so confused. and more confused. and i dont know what. im so wrung out and drained and empty. like everything else took up the space that should be for you, but there wasnt a space for me with you anyways. im babbling. but i dont know what else to say. im so lost. im sobroken. so so so so so broken. i havent been broken in so long. and now i dunno. i guess im just meant to be broken, cause i never really have someone to help fix me. they always leave me for others things. girls, girlfriends, friends in general. they just always leave, and leave me broken.
life takes such twists. im so grateful for those who've been there for me, with me, during all of the twists and turns and drops and crashes.
