hawaii here i come!

well i am leaving for hawaii in exactly..14 hours. yess. well i just got finished reading the new harry potter book, which was way good and i enjoyed it very much. i got the book yesterday and finished it maybe like..30 minutes ago. haha i wasnted to see what happened so bad that i had to finish reading it already. i cant wait for the next one to come out.
so hawaii. i just started packing 3 hours ago, and i am finished. i may not have clothes that match and i may not have any clothes for a luau, and i may not have anyclothes for church, but ive got clothes. i wasnt thinking too much about WHAT i was wearing so much as the fact that i had 2 bathing suits and my slippers. (ive been told thats all you really need) and if you really know me and my family, then youd know that we spend much time outdoors swimming and whatnot. so basically we're going to a different beach everyday and getting WAY dark. im so excited. i cant wait to go surfing and parasailing and boating and everything else. i love the water. i swear, i was born in it. hahaha. my sisters and i can spend the entire day swimming ans norkeling. my dad bought my sisters and i new snorkels, goggles, and fins. hopefully we can go free diving there. i havent gone free diving in a long long time. but hopefully there'll be lots of cool coral reefs and i wont be too scared to go swimming. its really weird being underwater like that, without anything buy your lungs for air. its liberating, but also..kinda..confining. but i enjoy it immensely. i love diving and swimming in the ocean and everything that has to do with the beach and its water and sand and the sun. i havent been dark in AGES!!! everyone'll be surprised to see how different i look dark. ive been so pale lately. haha stupid school. but yeah.
but yeah..again..see everyone in a week. next saturday to be exact. i will be one lovely tanned girl. and when i get back i will have had time to think and be a lone and free and everything. im pretty sure im not gonna bring my cell phone so that i can enjoy my life out in hawaii. it'll really give me time to think about school and nursing and my life and how much of what im doing really makes me happy for just now or will it contribute to the rest of my life. i cant wait. i know hawaii will show me changes i need in my life. like not being so serious about things. about letting go and just being there without anytying but the present. haha epiphanies such as these have been described to me by friends that have been to hawaii. hopefully my parents will find a house there that they like. in any case..see you all later! bye!

i hate little sisters

Yea its teeny (1:28:35 PM): hi!
Kmend1707 (1:28:48 PM): what are you doing?
Yea its teeny (1:28:53 PM): youre really truly online?
Yea its teeny (1:28:55 PM): nothing much
Kmend1707 (1:29:02 PM): lol
Yea its teeny (1:29:03 PM): packing clothes for my trip
Kmend1707 (1:29:11 PM): when are you leaving?
Yea its teeny (1:29:19 PM): saturday
Yea its teeny (1:29:20 PM): =)
Yea its teeny (1:29:24 PM): color me excited
Kmend1707 (1:29:43 PM): lol i will color you pink
Kmend1707 (1:29:55 PM): you should come over today
Yea its teeny (1:29:58 PM): what shade of pink?
Yea its teeny (1:30:03 PM): its SO HOT!!
Yea its teeny (1:30:04 PM): =)
Yea its teeny (1:30:12 PM): im happy about the heat
Yea its teeny (1:30:18 PM): except im sweaty and sticky.
Kmend1707 (1:30:38 PM): highlighter pink
Yea its teeny (1:30:46 PM): hhmm.. well.
Yea its teeny (1:31:09 PM): highlighter pink.
Kmend1707 (1:31:10 PM): we can go swimming somewhere
Yea its teeny (1:31:15 PM): dont you have a pool?
Yea its teeny (1:31:18 PM): at your complex?
Kmend1707 (1:31:35 PM): yup
Yea its teeny (1:31:42 PM): can we? can we go swimming?
Kmend1707 (1:31:44 PM): it's small though, but doableYea its teeny (1:32:04 PM): okay lemme askKmend1707 (1:32:19 PM): okay
Yea its teeny (1:34:41 PM): man i cant go. cause my little sister has no friends. that means i dont have any either. and if i do. i dont get to hang out with them
Yea its teeny (1:34:56 PM): theyr like dont you feel sorry for her? you should take her
Yea its teeny (1:34:57 PM): argh
Yea its teeny (1:35:16 PM): hello i want to get out of the house away from her...just cause no one asks her to go swimming
Kmend1707 (1:35:29 PM): that sucks
Yea its teeny (1:35:33 PM): im so mad
Kmend1707 (1:35:34 PM): i'm sad now
Yea its teeny (1:35:49 PM): then theyre like you dont even want to take your sister with you. youre so selfish
Yea its teeny (1:35:52 PM): me too
Yea its teeny (1:36:08 PM): god. i hate this. they stress me out so much
Kmend1707 (1:36:27 PM): you should run away and join the circus... i want to be a clown
Yea its teeny (1:36:38 PM): i want to be a trapeeze artist or jump through a hula hoop
Kmend1707 (1:36:53 PM): oooh good one
Yea its teeny (1:37:10 PM): man. there was a glimmer of hope for today, then it died cause my parents decided to have another daughter
Kmend1707 (1:37:35 PM): lol, well she can come too
Yea its teeny (1:37:44 PM): i do not want my sister to go too.
Yea its teeny (1:37:49 PM): i try to leave ther house without her, sneak out
Kmend1707 (1:38:09 PM): do it, pay her to say she doesn't want to go
Yea its teeny (1:38:28 PM): i just got yelled at again..saying i should just stay in the house
Yea its teeny (1:38:32 PM): cause its so fun here

breathe...

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
Sewn together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

love is a lie

love is a lie that guys get young girls to believe so that they will sleep with them. love is not always blind because you rarely see a cute guy with an ugly girl, or vice versa. love is fiction and bullshit. no one is every really in love. its just hormones. its not in your heart or in your soul, its from you glands. love is nothing other than the right mix of hormones being released by your glands and your brain to make you feel things that people describe as love. its all fake. guys sleep with other girls and lie to them, tell them they love them, just to have sex with them. this can go on for months. and the stupid ass girl will believe the guy, but heis using her, because for guys, sexual satisfaction = happiness. all guys are liars. they break up with you, be mad, but a month later, talk nice to you and tell you that they love you, just to get you in bed again, even though they know that they wont get back together with you and that you aren't really anything to them. they say the "L" word to make the sex okay. but its not. they're using you. and they say you said love first so they think or figure its what you wanted. stupid asses. then the sex dwindles off to once a month instead of once a week, and its over. you are nothing to a guy. you arean object. a means to an end, which is usually ejaculation. and now youre stuck realizing that you were just used cause you have a vagina and guys like it. guys dont know what love is. they think its when you spend lots of time with someone and become sexually attracted to them, which for guys could be a total of 5 seconds or less. then you guys can plan having sex cause youre so hormone crazed that you think its love, but no, you just want sex, you dont want to share a beautiful thing with someone that you love. you want to fuck. nothing special about it. you're fools to think that this will last. just cause shes the firstperson ot love you or like you, you think its okay. well its not you sinners. you give it up to the first person that gives you attention. you dont even think shes pretty or beautiful nor do you like her fat ass of a figure, you just see one thing, a goal, or a hole if you will. guys also let girls suck their dicks. cause they are dicks. and girls are whores. everyone is stupid. everyone should be locked up by themselves in caves to die. everyone should die. especially girls who are not lesbians but like kissing their roommates and touching eachother until the point of orgasm all for the pleasure of greg, i mean some guy. then make out with the guy and suck his dick. because you used to be his boss. you slut. and then not really talk to him afterwards. aaww. how special. way to make it a hallmark/kodak moment you fucking horny teenagers. stupid sluts and whores.
you sacrifice everything for them, and they cant give you anything. they cant even give them the one thing you want. you dont even want it so much as you want to exchange it. because they lost it to their 16 year old girlfriend whom they didnt even love and well, they hate now. and even after they broke up they still fucked, for fun. but he said he loved her still, just to get a piece of her fat ass. he lied. he didnt know what he was doing. hahaha. he lied to her to get sex. he loved it that much. she was a wonderful fat piece of ass. and she believed they would be together in their love. whoops. nope. youre ass is being used, literally. stupid slut girl. what the fuck were you thinking. he knew you would never get together again. but he kissed you so so so good you believed him. he lies. dont worry slut girl, he will get his.
again, you sacrifice everything for him. try to make mistakes so his wont look so bad. he doesnt care. he's sleepy. fuck that. YOUVE GIVEN HIM EVERYTHING. he's screwed over another girl. he pretends to love you. but he doesnt. he only care about himself and his friends. he doesnt give you the time of day anymore because hes too busy for you. nothing else matters. as long he has his friends gets to see you once a week hes okay. but his friends are way important. he even cheated on you. when he was drunk. and told you on your 6 month anniversary. what a guy. but he was drunk. and you forgave him cause you thought you were in love. bullshit. he strikes again. why does he do this to you? cause he hates you. why doesnt he want to sacrifice for you? because he doesnt care. greg just doesnt care. boys will never change. you give him everything of you that you can give. you tell him youre his. but thats nothing, cause he has his friends in sacramento and he cant give them up, cause if he leaves, he wont be able to talk to them. but it doesnt matter that you want it and would be willing to give up your school for him. his friends are more to him than you are. he only says and lies that he wants to be with you forever, but right now, hes happy with making you cry 200 miles away, and driving to see you once a week. thats enough. to see the girl who give you everything and continues to give what little she has left. the girl who sacrificed tears and dignity and friends for you. you cant even do anyting for her. you're comfortable where you are, why fuck it up? she'll still be there, she loves me you think. but shouldnt you be saying that about your friends? shouldnt they always be there for you? shouldnt you try to make things work with the girl you supposedly want to spend the rest of your life with? no, make the bitch wait. she'll still be there. even thgouh you continually have problams about seeing eachother and communication, and she misses you, and its so hard. and she cries. nothing matters. you need friends now. she'll wait. youre so happy where you are right now. you dont need her everyday, but your friends, you need them everyday, but you dont even see them everyday. she sacrifices everything for you, you sacrifice nothing for her. you're tired tonight, you cant talk. well now she's tired. tired of being last. tired of crying and hurting and feeling pain. she deserves to be happy. you've killed her and you didnt even know it. you found this perfect untouched specimen. beautiful to you. lon hair, smart, looks good to the parents. you ruin her, her innocent life. you destroy her. you think you want to find someone to settle down with, youre finished messing around. found a good family girl to show the parents. shes even becoming a nurse. shes the "first wife" material. and all you can do is ignore her. neglect her. bitch at the bitch cause she makes too much of a fuss and cries ALL THE TIME. she really needs to stop that. she calls way too much too.

i was blind. i was caught up, i was young. those excuses have worked for you, now they'll be mine. i didn't know any better. i thought it was what we both wanted. how am i to even know what love is? i dont know anything. you were the first boy tolike me in a long time. i was in my akward phase for some time. and you gave me the time of day. i was stupid. and now, im hurt. and my tars mean nothing to you. 3 days off fighting are nothing to you cause im on my period. fuck you. EVERYTHING IS FOR YOU. NOTHING IS FOR ME. you never even have any time for me. no time to call, nothing. i always feel stupid when i hear your voicemail. theres never any time for teeny. fuck that. i deserve someone willing to give. to make time for me. to love me like i deserved to me loved. im so neglected here. by myself. just waiting for you. im so drained and weak. youve heard it all before, but its hard to keep saying it over and over, its even harder to keep meaning it over and over again. but you'll move on. to another girl. pretend you love her. break her heart. kill her spirit, her will to live. make her make mistakes. she'll never forgive herself. she'll never forgive you. i have no more heart. its broken. never ever again. it hurts. why would you make me cry greg? is it fun? i tried so hard to make you happy. you cant give up anything for me. youre too busy for me. like ive taken SO MUCH FROM YOU!! FUCK YOU GREG. ITS OVER. MY LIFE, OUR RELATIONSHIP, LOVE....it was all lies. because love is a lie.