angry day at work
so kubler ross..i am fast approaching the anger postion of your stages of grieveing...
im really tired of people telling me that this is a damn learning experience. thank you very much i know im young and i know in a little while..probably years from now i'll look back and think of this as a learning experince, but right now, when you're 21, your boyfriend is practically your whole life. so basically, in my mind, my life is over. he wont even pick up my calls, he doesnt want to be my friend and he's able to cut me completely out of his life. why? why is that? i thought he was different and i thought he was more sensitve than that, but apparently he's just another guy.
oh and dont get me started on the people who think im the bitch because im the one who broke his heart. F you. first of all he broke his own damn heart and mine in the process. ha, you all say you saw it coming, F you too, for not telling me. on top of that, i lost a best friend and i lost my boyfriend, i practically lost half of my friends because some of them started out as his. and everyone who's all damn supportive of him, he doesnt have a right to have support. he did this to himself. he's out having a great time with everyone while i'm being constantly reminded of him through everything in my life! and everyone thinks im to blame, i caused it. well in know i did. i know i made this happen i know its my fault i know hes the greatest person in the world and i screwed up. i know i know i know i know i know. i wouldnt be here venting to no one if i didnt already know that i lost the most important thing in my life, and by respecting his decision to cut me out of my life im making the biggest mistake of my life. i see it. i see that i'll never find anyone like him and i get it, i lost out. and im sad, im actually really sad. but no one's over here asking me if i wanna go out with them, cause greg's the nice one and i can occassionally be stern and judgemental and blunt. god this is so stupid. so if anyone knows how to help me over this, please, tell me. if anyone can save me from my own hated, cause i kinda hate myself because i feel like i drove away the best thing to happen to me and now my life is so so so so bleak. i dont care about my job i dont care about my career. what good are those things if no one loves you and your love isnt wanted. just one person. i just picked one person. i said yes to one person and i wanted to keep it that way. i dont want to learn how to hold anyone's hand over again. i dont want to learn how to love someone i dont want to figure out how i fit in someone else's arms, i want his. is that so hard? is it so bad? what good is a career and money if theres no one to share it with and spoil and love you? nothing. i dont care. i wish i wish i could start over again and just not be with him. at least i would feel used to lonely...
im really tired of people telling me that this is a damn learning experience. thank you very much i know im young and i know in a little while..probably years from now i'll look back and think of this as a learning experince, but right now, when you're 21, your boyfriend is practically your whole life. so basically, in my mind, my life is over. he wont even pick up my calls, he doesnt want to be my friend and he's able to cut me completely out of his life. why? why is that? i thought he was different and i thought he was more sensitve than that, but apparently he's just another guy.
oh and dont get me started on the people who think im the bitch because im the one who broke his heart. F you. first of all he broke his own damn heart and mine in the process. ha, you all say you saw it coming, F you too, for not telling me. on top of that, i lost a best friend and i lost my boyfriend, i practically lost half of my friends because some of them started out as his. and everyone who's all damn supportive of him, he doesnt have a right to have support. he did this to himself. he's out having a great time with everyone while i'm being constantly reminded of him through everything in my life! and everyone thinks im to blame, i caused it. well in know i did. i know i made this happen i know its my fault i know hes the greatest person in the world and i screwed up. i know i know i know i know i know. i wouldnt be here venting to no one if i didnt already know that i lost the most important thing in my life, and by respecting his decision to cut me out of my life im making the biggest mistake of my life. i see it. i see that i'll never find anyone like him and i get it, i lost out. and im sad, im actually really sad. but no one's over here asking me if i wanna go out with them, cause greg's the nice one and i can occassionally be stern and judgemental and blunt. god this is so stupid. so if anyone knows how to help me over this, please, tell me. if anyone can save me from my own hated, cause i kinda hate myself because i feel like i drove away the best thing to happen to me and now my life is so so so so bleak. i dont care about my job i dont care about my career. what good are those things if no one loves you and your love isnt wanted. just one person. i just picked one person. i said yes to one person and i wanted to keep it that way. i dont want to learn how to hold anyone's hand over again. i dont want to learn how to love someone i dont want to figure out how i fit in someone else's arms, i want his. is that so hard? is it so bad? what good is a career and money if theres no one to share it with and spoil and love you? nothing. i dont care. i wish i wish i could start over again and just not be with him. at least i would feel used to lonely...
2 Comments:
awww teeny. i'll be home in december and then we can hang out.
-mandy
Teeny, I am so sorry you are going through this. I know exactly how you feel and it's just going to take a lot of time. It'll be okay, I promise. You can always call me if you need to talk...661-703-3080
-Nicole
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