this is my obsession

Im so obsessed. Im so obsessed with someone, anyone, hearing what I have to say. Im obsessed with typing out things, concepts, theories, words…that I would tell him. So many things run through my mind every second. Ways to make it better, ways I could get over him, ways I could be together with him, ways I think he’s gonna tell me its over. Half the time I want him to come back and just have him tell me that he loves me and its worth it. The fighting, the arguing, the only seeing eachother once a week, its all worth it and we should have another chance. thats the side that still wears the earrings and the ring because it means we still have a chance and we're together. but my more rational side, my sane side, the side that wears the earrings and the ring because they're mine and pretty and shiny, knows that he would be crazy to not take this opportunity to walk away from this bullshit, this pseudo-love, that i swear is the best thing that ever happened to me. i don't know. i want him to be happy and knowing that me being myself hurts him wants him to walk away from me and go far far away and be happy with someone who appreciates and loves him and who will be nice to him and not be mean like i am. someone cliser who loves the things he does, who makes him happy. because in the end all i really want is for him to be happy, with whomever, with whatever situation makes him happy. and as each second and horrible scenario passes through my mind, i think more and more, the he really is fed up with this. and on november 1st, he'll crush me with the words "ive been thinking about it, and we don't work, this isn't working, its over" and thats how far ive gotten in the scenario in my head. but im sure when i think about it more, it'll have things like my crying and begging and being angry and running away only to regret everything and it'll be too late because he will have gotten on the freeway and driven away from me for the last time. i know i'm so detailed and morbid. i don't know how i do it. im just so creative.

this stupid distance. the stupid 128 miles apart thing is what kills us. it what has been killing us. i also play through the scenarios where i leave both my jobs, move out to sacramento and we live happily ever after. but seeing as i'm a new grad, less than 6 months experience, i'll never get a job until like...the next batch of new grads comes out, which will be january. i wish i could. i seriously thought about it, if it would help. i have money saved up. and its more than one would think. but not enough. im stuck. its sink or swim time. and theres like a ton of rocks in my shoes already.

but on the lighter side. my new jacket came in today. im excited. i love it. i tried it on and i think i'll buy the other one that i wanted too. see i'm buying things to try and fill the void in my soul that he used to occupy. unhealthy i know. but what else is there? nothing. thats what. so i went shopping again today but i refrained myself from buying anything. thats the right word right? i dunno.......