bad days
last night i couldn't sleep. yesterday i went on a huge shopping binge. i needed to get out i needed to do something crazy i needed to make a change...so therefore i spent 300+ dollars on clothes for my sister and i. she loved it. i felt guilty afterwards. hahaha. and then on top of that i ordered a 100 dollar jacket online when i got home cause i was so depressed that i couldn't get this red roxy jacket cause i don't look good in red, but maryann does, so i bought it for her. i know i know. but i needed to fill this void that was left because i haven't been talking to greg. i needed to get out you know? i was itching to call him a million times, but i couldn't, so i went shopping. ah, retail therapy, good for the soul, killer on the bank account. hahaha.
so now i have a few new items..and i stress the few. the items i bought were very pricey. well i wan't that bad cause like 100 dollars of it was scrubs. i dunno. im obsessed. hahahah. well. yeah so there you go, i'm addicted to spending my own money. but again i say, i work for a reason.
my body still hasn't recovered from the double i pulled last week. my eyes hurt, my body still aches, and i never feel satisfied with the sleep i get. even though i get somewhat enough (7.5 hours on average on a good night) i still have these horrible dreams, horrible vivid dreams. they make me feel like i havent slept at all.
i remember i used to have these nightmares in college and i'd wake up crying for no reason. but at school i would make up next to greg and he would hug me and make me feel safe again. he would wipe away my tears, kiss my forehead, snuggle my body next his, and stroke my hair until i stopped crying and went to sleep. he would tell me it was only a bad dream and that i was safe with him. i miss those days. i miss waking up next to him. i miss having him protect me and make me feel safe.
work has been okay. i know i'm running myself thin and this isn't healthy or good and i'm about to burn out in about a month, but it'll be worth it when i can do it. when i can be a nurse. when i can do things for myself. when i can take pride in what i do. i know i'm working impossible hours and working too hard and not sleeping enough and crying too much. but this is the first time i've been able to prove myself, that i am smart enough and good enough to be a nurse regardless of my age or apperance. and i am completely failing. i go to work with red puffy eyes. barely awake. on the brink of tears because i'm so overwhelmed. it hurts to admit it. but i'm failing. failing horribly. i come home and sleep and eat then sleep. i ignore my boyfriend. the one person that has stood by me through everything. alienated him past the point of no return. ive pushed him to hell and back. and all because of my stupid pride and my stubborn attitude. i was so blind. and i get it. i pushed myself so hard that i pushed us apart. i still love him. i love him even more now that i'm on this slowly sinking spiral into my own burnout.
it really hit me when i thought about what he said last night about me not supporting him and him supporting me through everything. he told me that he was there for my senior thesis presentation. how ironic. i researched it, i wrote a freakin 40 page thesis on the damn thing, and i was too blind to see how it was destroying my personal life. i'm lousy at life. hahah. it's like someone being a cancer specialist and them having cancer without even knowing it? i dunno, bad analogy. but its similar. i need to take care of myself, what matters to me, my relationship with a wonderful guy, and my health. 21 and already burnt out. wonderful! i mean you see it don't you? all the classic signs of burnout? all of them. depersonalization, anger, anxiety, changes in skin complexion, illness, fatigue, depression only to name a few. breakdown of personal and professional relationships. weight changes, and so on. i didn't see it until yesterday, well this morning, well, on the 25th.
its the hardest thing to see a person you love cry because of you. i was so wrapped up in my own world i didn't see how much he needed me. i love him so much, i've been so stupid. i miss him everyday and he can't do it. he can't be with me because i make it hard. because i can't do it all, i can't have it all. i basically gave him a week to figure out how to break up with me. so for a week i hate myself, for a week i wake up and it hits me like a ton of bricks that its one day closer to the end. that nothing i can do can change it. my life hurts. my life hurts me. my personality, my lifestyle, won't let me have happiness. how do i win him back? do i have a chance? i hope. thats all i can do. but my body is so spent, my heart is so mangled, my outlook on life, my life, is so bleak with the thought of losing him, the person i thought i'd be with forever, that my last few bits of hope are spent keeping me from driving into oncoming traffic as i drive away from the only guy i'll ever love.
with all that said, after i got home i had to take a quick nap before work. my face, my brain, my body, my life hurt so bad by 330pm that i cried when my mom told me to drop her off at the front and i made a wrong turn. i didn't know how i was going to make it through the PM shift. but i took my advil and went to work. the first few hours were hard. my head hurt, i got dizzy everytime i looked up and the monitors. i swore i was going to pass out. and i almost did a couple of times. i started to get bored to i wrote my signature over and over and over again to make it look pretty, and i started to try and write my first name with greg's last name and then i just lost it. i was so mad at my wallowing, i was so mad at my hope. i was so mad at my heart for loving him and making it so hard for me. i was mad at myself for having so much hope as to stupidly write my name with his last name. so i stopped, and i wrote him a letter that i'll probably not give him again.
then when i was at my most pathetic, my baby patient's parents came in. they're young, maybe 26. their baby was born at 27 weeks and he had a whole slew of problems. she was 58 days old and he hasn't even been out of the hospital, in the sun, even in the cold. his parents were so young, their baby had come such a long way and was so fragile. i thought to myself, how sad, how sad they must feel because their baby is so sick. or did i feel happy because they had hope? the odds were all against their tiny new family, and still they were there, feeding the baby, loving her, like she was God's most perfect creation. i don't know if i could do it. i don't know. they had so much hope for their tiny baby who had all the odds against her, and yet she was alive and she was perfect to them. their hope and prayers were all answered. and then i felt stupid. how could i think i was ready for everything that i wanted. how could i be ready for life. when i can;t even fathom life without greg? this young couple was living and loving all because they had hope, they had a good reason to hope, they loved this little baby and she did nothing to hurt them. i've hurt greg so many times, how could my hope keep us together? my stupid little bit of life left in my heart that has been torn apart and abused and bruised and anything else you can name, this little piece of hope for us. i'm not good enough for hope. but maybe? but maybe if their hope could keep a little baby alive for them to love, my little hope can keep us alive for love. right? anything's possible.
i still can't get over the dark pain that i felt as i drove away from greg, quite possibly for the last time. it started in my chest and spread throughout my torso. like i couldn't breathe. this is what love has done to me. this is what i've done to myself. i'm so scared and unsure of what will happen within this next week. i wish i could snuggle into a little ball and be safe. i wish i could use my little bit of hope to keep myself alive and safe and growing.
so now i have a few new items..and i stress the few. the items i bought were very pricey. well i wan't that bad cause like 100 dollars of it was scrubs. i dunno. im obsessed. hahahah. well. yeah so there you go, i'm addicted to spending my own money. but again i say, i work for a reason.
my body still hasn't recovered from the double i pulled last week. my eyes hurt, my body still aches, and i never feel satisfied with the sleep i get. even though i get somewhat enough (7.5 hours on average on a good night) i still have these horrible dreams, horrible vivid dreams. they make me feel like i havent slept at all.
i remember i used to have these nightmares in college and i'd wake up crying for no reason. but at school i would make up next to greg and he would hug me and make me feel safe again. he would wipe away my tears, kiss my forehead, snuggle my body next his, and stroke my hair until i stopped crying and went to sleep. he would tell me it was only a bad dream and that i was safe with him. i miss those days. i miss waking up next to him. i miss having him protect me and make me feel safe.
work has been okay. i know i'm running myself thin and this isn't healthy or good and i'm about to burn out in about a month, but it'll be worth it when i can do it. when i can be a nurse. when i can do things for myself. when i can take pride in what i do. i know i'm working impossible hours and working too hard and not sleeping enough and crying too much. but this is the first time i've been able to prove myself, that i am smart enough and good enough to be a nurse regardless of my age or apperance. and i am completely failing. i go to work with red puffy eyes. barely awake. on the brink of tears because i'm so overwhelmed. it hurts to admit it. but i'm failing. failing horribly. i come home and sleep and eat then sleep. i ignore my boyfriend. the one person that has stood by me through everything. alienated him past the point of no return. ive pushed him to hell and back. and all because of my stupid pride and my stubborn attitude. i was so blind. and i get it. i pushed myself so hard that i pushed us apart. i still love him. i love him even more now that i'm on this slowly sinking spiral into my own burnout.
it really hit me when i thought about what he said last night about me not supporting him and him supporting me through everything. he told me that he was there for my senior thesis presentation. how ironic. i researched it, i wrote a freakin 40 page thesis on the damn thing, and i was too blind to see how it was destroying my personal life. i'm lousy at life. hahah. it's like someone being a cancer specialist and them having cancer without even knowing it? i dunno, bad analogy. but its similar. i need to take care of myself, what matters to me, my relationship with a wonderful guy, and my health. 21 and already burnt out. wonderful! i mean you see it don't you? all the classic signs of burnout? all of them. depersonalization, anger, anxiety, changes in skin complexion, illness, fatigue, depression only to name a few. breakdown of personal and professional relationships. weight changes, and so on. i didn't see it until yesterday, well this morning, well, on the 25th.
its the hardest thing to see a person you love cry because of you. i was so wrapped up in my own world i didn't see how much he needed me. i love him so much, i've been so stupid. i miss him everyday and he can't do it. he can't be with me because i make it hard. because i can't do it all, i can't have it all. i basically gave him a week to figure out how to break up with me. so for a week i hate myself, for a week i wake up and it hits me like a ton of bricks that its one day closer to the end. that nothing i can do can change it. my life hurts. my life hurts me. my personality, my lifestyle, won't let me have happiness. how do i win him back? do i have a chance? i hope. thats all i can do. but my body is so spent, my heart is so mangled, my outlook on life, my life, is so bleak with the thought of losing him, the person i thought i'd be with forever, that my last few bits of hope are spent keeping me from driving into oncoming traffic as i drive away from the only guy i'll ever love.
with all that said, after i got home i had to take a quick nap before work. my face, my brain, my body, my life hurt so bad by 330pm that i cried when my mom told me to drop her off at the front and i made a wrong turn. i didn't know how i was going to make it through the PM shift. but i took my advil and went to work. the first few hours were hard. my head hurt, i got dizzy everytime i looked up and the monitors. i swore i was going to pass out. and i almost did a couple of times. i started to get bored to i wrote my signature over and over and over again to make it look pretty, and i started to try and write my first name with greg's last name and then i just lost it. i was so mad at my wallowing, i was so mad at my hope. i was so mad at my heart for loving him and making it so hard for me. i was mad at myself for having so much hope as to stupidly write my name with his last name. so i stopped, and i wrote him a letter that i'll probably not give him again.
then when i was at my most pathetic, my baby patient's parents came in. they're young, maybe 26. their baby was born at 27 weeks and he had a whole slew of problems. she was 58 days old and he hasn't even been out of the hospital, in the sun, even in the cold. his parents were so young, their baby had come such a long way and was so fragile. i thought to myself, how sad, how sad they must feel because their baby is so sick. or did i feel happy because they had hope? the odds were all against their tiny new family, and still they were there, feeding the baby, loving her, like she was God's most perfect creation. i don't know if i could do it. i don't know. they had so much hope for their tiny baby who had all the odds against her, and yet she was alive and she was perfect to them. their hope and prayers were all answered. and then i felt stupid. how could i think i was ready for everything that i wanted. how could i be ready for life. when i can;t even fathom life without greg? this young couple was living and loving all because they had hope, they had a good reason to hope, they loved this little baby and she did nothing to hurt them. i've hurt greg so many times, how could my hope keep us together? my stupid little bit of life left in my heart that has been torn apart and abused and bruised and anything else you can name, this little piece of hope for us. i'm not good enough for hope. but maybe? but maybe if their hope could keep a little baby alive for them to love, my little hope can keep us alive for love. right? anything's possible.
i still can't get over the dark pain that i felt as i drove away from greg, quite possibly for the last time. it started in my chest and spread throughout my torso. like i couldn't breathe. this is what love has done to me. this is what i've done to myself. i'm so scared and unsure of what will happen within this next week. i wish i could snuggle into a little ball and be safe. i wish i could use my little bit of hope to keep myself alive and safe and growing.
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