halloween

oh p.s.
who else felt the hige ass earthquake yesterday and all the baby ones today? i did. yes yes i did. i'm pretty sure the whole building was gonna collapse on us. and i thought are you effing serious? i'm gonna die here? like this? great. hahahah. only minor injuries though. made me think i needed to do something because life is too short. so i did. and...


so things didn't turn out how i had hoped. no composure kept. tears, trembly little lip, beggin, yelling, everything but calm like i had totally psyched myself out to be. but i lost it. so much for self coaching. whatevs. its getting easier and easier. i was talking to maryann and i decided that the more i bother him like this, the less he'll give me hope. the less he'll want to be my friend, and more and more slowly, he'll phase me out. (in case you didnt go on the sp friendship games trip last last weekend, greg broke up with me that weekend, but don't worry i didn't really find out until last sunday so a whole bunch of people got to pity me before i was able to pity myself) so yeah thats what happened. and he just keeps telling me that it doesnt work never ever never ever will we work ever, i'm tired of it. and i guess i get it. but it still hurts like a knife in the heart. no i still love you no i miss you. he doesn't miss me. you'd think i'd have to be a terrible person in order to drive someone that loved you so much past the point of feeling for you. i'm such an over achiever. this whole heart thing isnt getting any better either. i have that appointment in a couple days, but it'll resolve itself yenno? i ate food today. i know big whoopee. but i seriously haven't eaten in like 3 days. but i had soda and chicken nuggets and some fries from wendy's. but i was so sad because thats that greg and i eat all the time that i threw it all up in the bathroom again. hahaha. so i technically ate. details details.

so this year i dressed up as sailor mars. it was cute. pictures to follow. i only have like 1 picture but was busy.

i'm sad that i'm gonna miss all the milestones with him. thanksgiving, christman, new years, vegas, his graduation. yenno it sucks. i've been waiting and waiting for it. ive been waiting for us to be this close, but its like blah! hes like whatever those come every year blah blah i might not even graduate. but you know he wont care if i'm at his graduation regardless of the fact that besides him and his parents i'll be the happiest person he's graduating. i want to wait. i don't want to lose him. i don't want him to find anyone else. i want him to be happy with me. he's not gonna think its a mistake, he's happy without me. he doesnt miss me, but i said that already.



p.s. mandy i love you and miss you so so so so so much