save me

i won the lottery when i met him. to try again would be selfish.


im going crazy. everything i do everything i think reminds me of him. everytime im think about him i think about how hes not thinking of me and i die a little. i guess after a few weeks you have nothing left that living on the inside. i cant do this. i cant. i cant be okay with it i cant be friends with him when i want more. i love him. damnit. he so happy without me. if i was a good person i'd let him be happy without me and be happy about the ahooy times we had. but he wont even let me do that because i ruined it i messed it up. one nice text from me one nice word from em two weeks ago and i would happy right now. one nice thing from me. im so stubborn. hes already forgotten about me. stopped picking up my calls, everything. he so good at everything. at being a boyfriend at being single. at everything. i love him for being good at everything. at holding my hand and kissing and hugging and cuddling and nuzzling and just loving me. if he were't good at those things would i be here spilling my heart out on the internet? if he wasnt a good boyfriend would we have been together for so long? how can he just stop? how can he just do nothing. how can he just leave me? how can he just stop living me, caring about me? how can one weekend apart with his friends without me change his mind so drastically? how can i prove that we work that we can be together? how can i prove that we work? do i give him time? do take that chance that he could meet someone 10 times more wonderful than me? which isnt so hard. how can i move on when i know in my heart of hearts that hes the one for me? hes perfect! he loves me i know it. i just make him more angry when i ask him. i just want him to completely destroy me. i want him to completely rip my heart to shreds. i want him to tell me he found someone else. he has feelings for someone else. he broke up with me because there is someone else that he needs to try with. i want him to kiss other girls in clubs to hurt me. i need to be hurt. i need to be destoryed completely in order to rebuild myself. or i'll stay in this stupid place forever.

we went camping together! his mom made me sanwiches. his dad and i talked a lot this past summer. i went to his mom's talk at the divine mercy conference. i drove up there to make it better. i drove up there to show him i support him. i drove up there to ask him to just love me. and nothing. im so scared. im never going to find anyone. i dont want to find anyone.

i'm going to miss so many things in his life. things that i've been looking forward to. things that i want to experience with him. i want to be there for his graduation! i was to be there for his last SP formal as a student! i want to be there for chirstmas and new year's eve! i want to be there for his life. i want to be a part of him and his life and his future. the ring has 3 stones not 2! past present and future. we've only used up 2 of them. we still have the future!!!! im so so lonely. i never told him how proud of him i am, i never told him how much i love him and how lucky i am to have been with him and how supportive and loving and wonderful he is. our last kiss was outside of the sushi restaurant. i was in a hurry to leave because i had to get home. but what i wouldnt give to go back and linger there for a few more minutes, moments even. just to soak him up. just to soak up his love for the last time. just to, just to be there in the moment instead of rushing things. i took us foregranted and im paying the price. i wish he would come back to me. i would be happy. loved. whole. please let me be with you. im only made for you.