nighttime

nighttime used to be my favorite time of day. well my favorite time of the day as a whole. because nighttime isnt really day..etc. it was because at night i got to talk to you. nighttime let me talk to all of you, you may all have different names and look different, but you were all the same. i because a nighttime friend. nothing during the daytime. no talking no looking no smiling no calling. nothing. like i dont exist during the day. i thought that would change once i had you. you were my freaking world, day or night i thought about you and me and how everything in my life revolved around school and us. i gave you everything you asked of me. i gave you my time my love and whatever else you wanted. why? because i loved you. daytime or nighttime you were on my mind and i called you relentlessly, i chalked it up to these butterflies and the need to always hear your voice, i can become very clingly. but i got nothing. sometimes you would answer, but you were busy, you had something to do, you were eating, about to leave, driving. one million excuses, one million times hearing your voicemail rejecting me again. i used to call you when i first woke up because i swear i thought of you every second, but you dont, you never do. im your nighttime girlfriend. i dont become a thought in your mind until right before you go to bed. during the day the sunlight evaporates memories of me from you mind and i dont exist. don't worry thought because others have done thing to me too, where im not their friend except on the phone and at night. someone to talk to when the loneliness of nighttime scares them, who can they count on, use toget through the night. me. im such a pushover about it i guess. hopes of something more always blind me to the facts. im such a loser about it. i only matter, we only matter, when you have absolutely nothing to do. i don't exist in you life when others are around. too much of your time is taken by everything that isnt me to even pay attention to me when you're awake. maybe if you woke up 2 hours earlier it wouldnt happen. hhmm when to call when to call..how about when im so tired i can only tlak for 30 minutes? call to say goodnight should be good enough. am i not serious enough for you to take seriously? is our relationship not serious enough for you to subject yourself to a little more than one hour a day. well i guess it is because you spend 16 hours sleeping. this isnt a relationship, its like one of those love lines, livelinks, lavalife, talk to girls at night 555-girl without the whole sexual thing and huge fake boob thing going on. this whole joke has gone on long enough dont you think? dont we deserve more if this is to turn out the way we want it to? or am i just complaining again? probably you'll see it as complaining again..so wyhat that im insecure about the relationship? and about myself. and about us and you and me and everything. take it, leave it, help it, dont ignore it. btw that was a nice comment about killing myself last night. im sure you wish i did, just to prove everything you think about me right. that would be running away right? my calling card..running away..