yenno when you listen to one of those songs..and your whole world seems to fall apart right under your feet and those things that matter the world to you crumble through your fingertips?

or you dont even have to listen to a song..but you have this feeling way deep down in your chest and you dont exactly know what it is? and you dont even know you feel this way and it just tugs at the corners of your eyes causing tears to build and just wanna spill? and then you hear that song and it's confirmed, youre in a crappy mood. and you dont know why. you just act like a bitch and say mean things and dont tell your boyfriend that you love him just so they he'll think something is wrong because something is wrong but you dont know what and you want him to agitate you so that you can blame him for your mood. but he just gets mad cause you wont tell him why youre in a bad mood but you cant tell him because you dont know yourself, so he just gets more frustrated and doesnt wanna deal with you, and nor does he seem to care, because you seem to pull this wonderful trick many many many times. but its not a trick..and youre just hoping it doesnt happen again..i mean its like..something bad happened and it kills you..and you have no one to talk to about it..and this is ridiculous, because its all okay now but it was such a shock and it hurts you..youre life twins..personality twins..it happens to both of you at the same time and you feel bad nothing has happened..and i dont know why. have you been ignoring the inevitable? have you been pushing deep down inside again? have you been pretending? and you think maybe..but you dont know..isnt it time for one anyways? why didnt you know? hjave you grown so apart from the ones you love from before? high school doesnt just disappear you know. dont these things always happen? and you just get more and more confused and everytime you think youve reached a solution it turns out to be another dead end and youre jealous of those who know whats wrong with them and you wish it were that easy. but its not because youre mind always has to be clouded with other things, you always have to be this person, but you cant-not be that person. what will people think if youre different. what if you want to feel protected and tiny and girlie and soft and wonderful and whimsicle (sp) and them be strong and there for you and you dont know what is bothering you and you dont know if anything is even wrong or if youre just making a big deal of things. what if you dont know? what if you need to find out? what if you just push it away? what if you think it should be finished? what if youve thought about it? what if breaks are needed in life, but you cant pull that one again. what if you dont know what to do? what fi all the world is mixed up and all the sense that youve made in your life is backwards and retarded and everyone uses stupid logic? then where are you? i'll tell you where you are...you're in my mind, my heart, my soul, the way i think. this entire entry makes sense to me, this is how i thikn how i act how i live...jumbles..one point leading and wrapping around the next point that you made. which started as a statment but ended as a question. these phrases jump around in your mind like little bugs. until the point where you just end up smashing one and putting yourself out of misery by stopping its annoyingly soothing buzz. what am i talking about? i dunno..actually i do. do you know? makes perfect sense to me. why doesnt it to you? you should know what this all means if you really are for me. if you really know me, if you really care, you know what this means, yopu understand the mixed up thoughts and problems and whispers of insanity which flow through my mind at every minute, every second, everytime im with you..dont you get it? this is me and this is so confusing and complex, can you find your way through it all to the pure chaos which is me? are you willing to, do you even get what is being asked of you, of your time, of your life. but you dont know what im talking about do you? you never know...