hhmm

some days are harder than others, some days you just want to break down, and some days you just keep trying. i don't know which days are worse. the days that you just break down and actually do it, or the days that you know you have to go on and keep trying. they both hurt and they both make more tears than you could ever imagine, but at least when you actually do break down you feel..you feel like your tears can actually fall somewhere, like your pillow, on someone's shoulder, or onto old pictures as opposed to working through it and having your tears fall on toilet paper in the staff bathroom during your 15 minute break. or waiting until you're outside of church in your car to let them all spill over.

ive been so tired these last few days. and i'm only getting more and more tired. i haven;t studied for my NRP certification yet and i have to get my PALS done too, by january. so i'm gonna be in full study mode. im a little amazed at myself, regardless of the fact that i cry myself to sleep everynight and wake up the same way. i still do it, i take care of my patients, i clean them, i hug them, i let them cry to me, i let them be scared and show it to me and tell them its okay. comforting them in all of their little fears, fears of needles, not going to school, their innocence kills me. i hurt so bad inside comforting them because right now their pain is probably because they're sick and little, but when they get older, their pain is caused by themselves. no nurse christine can give them tylenol to take the heartbreak away or a bandaid to put the pieces of their heart back together. no nurse christine can find them a DVD player so they can watch their favorite movie while they get blood drawn. they really do it all to themselves and have to make themselves feel better. i wish i could start over. so so many regrets...

i wish i lived in the future. i wish there were a cure for a broken heart, other than time, because even then it'll hurt. it never goes away they say. then why do the hell do we do it? fall in love? take chances? make it work for as long as we can when there's no guarantee of posterity or longevity? and i think its because of the memory. this one in particular for me:

driving away form my house with greg on our way to his house. we were going camping. and i couldn't believe it. i was so amazed i did it. i told them, i went with him, i took a chance and now i was about to spend 4 days with the love of my life. driving away from my home without him, to his home with him. it was one of the most fulfilling experiences in my life. i was happy. i felt complete, i felt like i was going to make it with him. that we would get through this summer and more of these trips would come about. we held hands and decided what we would eat on our way there and what we needed to do about the party. i was so excited to be with him, to have the whole weekend with him. well and his family. i felt like we were going somewhere. loading my bike into the back of the van..

the whole trip, the memory, makes me have so many regrets that i wasnt better. when i think about it my heart is so happy, then i slowly remember that i wont ever get to do that again. that some other girl will take my spot next summer on the camping trip. someone else will be kissing him and hugging him and holding his hand and going biking and hiking and swimming. and i get scared and sad. then i remember why i hate thinking...