i'm kinda blah

i'm just me. i'm not fantastic, i'm not amazing, i'm not fabulous. i'm just me. i'm not super attractive, i'm not super skinny or super fit. i'm just average. and it sucks. i wish that i could have one amazingly stupendous fantasmical thing about me. maybe an ability to have witty conversation. or an enigmatic smile, or or fantastic skin, or the talent to sing or dance or both? why not some people get everything. i'm just average. i'm average and i don't want to be. i don't think i should have to be, but i am. and thats really frustrating. i feel like i'm just blah..hence the title of this blog. it was one of those times where you hear that one song and your whole positive outlook on yourself breaks to a quadrillion pieces. i wish i was special. to myself, to the world, or to someone. someone other than my family. i wish i counted. i wish i mattered. i wish people, or just someone special wanted me to be a part of their life. i know i'm sounding all e-mo and stuff. but i really feel this way. and i'm not really satisfied with what i have right now. in terms of how my life has been going for the past few months. i don't know what it is. whether its because i feel cheated out of graduating. i feel like its nothing. i feel like it doesnt change anything except make me so so so average and normal. no longer am i interesting because i'm struggling through college. no longer are my nights and weekends filled with friends and homework and papers. now i have sleep, and naps, and TV. i feel like wasted space. i need to get out of here is what i need to do. hahahaha. ive been looking online for hair styles that i may like to cut my hair to. i dunno. i'm prolly too chicken to do it. but i want to. i go through these phases so often. i want change. i was out of here. i want to look in the mirror and see someone who has accomplished something with her life. i want to see someone interesting. i feel so rejected by society. i need to get out and meet new people. i need to make a personals ad is what i need to do. hahahahah this is exactly why people do drugs. *sigh* i would, but i'm broke and i think i'm too scared to do drugs =) hahaha that and i think its kinda stupid. a lot stupid actually. i wish i could find that one person to make my life feel worth it. i wish i could be connected with someone who makes a difference. with someone who includes me in there life, so i have something else to add to my list of things in my life that i need to think about. right now i have work...more work..and my work schedule. oh yes i also have paying bills.

i want to meet a movie star. i want to drive to san diego or vegas. i want to get drunk in a club. i want to be that random girl who made out with that random cute guy at that one club one time. i want to have one of those stories. i want to be somebody. i want to matter to someone other than those people who are obligated to make me matter. i want one meaningful relationship. is that really so hard? i hate men..guys..boys..whatever you call them.

p.s. ive also decided a new rule: no dating anyone that makes less than i do. (a girl has got to have standards doesn't she?) =)

no more of these hopeless bullshit little crushes. no more of these stupid-ass-going-nowhere retards. i want someone real. someone to make me feel needed. someone to make me and my life matter. someone who wants me as part of the bigger picture of their life, not a weekend thing. kinda just someone to want me

i want someone to see me as fantastic, beautiful, fabulous, amazing, spectacular. and not just one the weekends.