don't be afraid...

don't be afraid to take that big step is what the fortune in my fortune cookie said. oh no..teeny's writing in her blog..her and greg must be in a fight. hahaha..yes. you are correct. but i apologized and i dunno what else i can do so...anyways..that big step..
this is what i think the big step is. well..my big step. i mean we all know WHAT it is. but will i have the actual balls to do it? probably not. life is pretty much set about now (p.s. greg just signed on and signed back off...what a coward..i would say pussy..but that sort of language is very inappropriate so i'll call him a coward instead) anyways. so im scared about what will happen if im forced to take that big step. yenno why im really scared..cause..he may just figure out that during this break..he really doesnt need me or want me. his friends are all practically single and have practically no respect for women and they all go out and drink and party any go clubbing..and he may be drunk and stumble off into some dark corner and do whatever and i'll be forced to take that big step. i think thats why after like 2 days after i ask for the break a always go back to him. cause im scared hes gonna find someone better prettier smarter better funnier and just wonderful and all the things im not and hes gonna realize that im a huge bitch and never want me back. im scared that he'll realize that he does deserve better and i am not a stable future and that i do suck and im not good at anything and im not worth the drive or the money or the heartache or anything and im a complete waste of time. cause then i'd really lose. like ive been. and it'll always be my fault. im scared he'll find someone else. someone nearer and and better..and just anyone not me..im scared that im gonna end up alone because greg will be right and no one wants to deal with my bullshit..im really gonna end up alone arent i?
enough of the pity party. today it was really cute. as i was crying my eyes out on the phone with greg the basketball guys from the other team were giving me hugs and so were the refs. they were like don't cry we'll beat him up. dont cry gurl. god bless you honey you shouldnt be crying. and it was really cute cause they're from the other team and they're refs! hahaha. thats how PATHETIC I AM! i hate being pathetic. then after we won both games i went to michelle's room to eat pizza and watch chicago. then i left and now im angry at myself for being pathetic and begging and being an idiot. i thought it was because of love. but now i know it was only desperation. i gave you everything greg. i know you're reading this. i begged and i cried and i was pathetic to my cheerleaders, the basketball teams and some other complete strangers. you do what you want. go fuck anything and everything like you did my entire week. you still love me we're still together. HAHAHAHAHA funny. cause we sure dont act like it. i just dont know what to do im angry and im sad and im pitiful. im going home. leave me alone.