the song is perfect to the date

today i went to the gym. it was pathetic. i was on the eliptical and i saw myself in the mirror and i just started crying. why do i even try to work out and look better. i'm ugly and stupid and fat and if my boyfriend...whatever...didn't even want me then no one would. i'm not special i'm not extraordinary i'm nothing. what's the point in trying to look better. its not working and nothing is changing and i still look the same and i still feel like crap. no one even cares about how i look. i just wider and wider. i dont know how i do it. its like i'm meant to be big..even bigger..i dunno

i needed a change. i thought about cutting my hair. i thought about getting a tattoo. i thought about getting pierced anywhere. but nothing would really phyically and emotionally separate me from this crappy mood that i'll be in for awhile. i mean i love my hair. i don't know what kind of tattoo to get, and i'm not too fond of piercing and the risk of infection.

so what else did i do in order to fulfill this void in my heart and soul you ask? i spent hundreds of dollars on new bedsheets and a new comforter from linens n things and random shit at wal*mart and target. i was quite a sight. i looked like i had been totally crying, with my huge sunglasses on, blasting my relient k CD in my little honda civic, and burning the plastic.

then i got home and i cleaned the house a little and fixed my room. i also got an ex box and filled it. i dunno what i'm gonna do with it. maybe i'll have soneone drop it off or something. or send it. if any of you know the size of my room, there is no extra space for the sentimantal crap lying in the box in the corner.

so i don't know what to do. and something really deep inside of me thinks that this really is it. cause it was him deciding not me. and he's way more decisive and able to stick to his decisions then i am. i am a huge softy as was shown when i begged him to take me back. but all my tears throughout the night and day and i'm oretty sure tonight, tell me something is different about this one. like i knew it was coming. like i knew we were growing apart or something. but something told me it was just a phase or that we go through this every summer, but he finally got fed up with the summer fights. i guess it was time? theres a question mark after that because i don't think i know. or that the gravity of my life falling apart hasn't hit me yet.

there were a million things that i did wrong and a million more that i did right. did we just grow out of eachother. i know why we broke up, but i'm thinking about whether it was a natural occurance or it was a huge pile of emotions that got the better of us. which was it? is he supposed to be my one big ex? i dunno. i wish i did. it would make me life easier. but it doesnt work that way huh? my life is never easy. its mt fault. i planned too much around that relationship...

now im alone. for the first time in a long time i'm really alone. i think thats what i'm most afraid of. being alone right now. i really don't have anyone to talk to that would understand. my sister is in seattle, my little sister is no help, my cousins all will just automatically hate him because he dumped me, as good family should. i haven't talked to some of my friends for a long time. my best friend is pregnant and camping, i don't know how i would talk to her. and others just tell me to go out and get over it. which is probably what he's doing. going out to get his mind off of me or go out to have fun and drink and hang out with his friends and never give another thought to me. shouldn't there be a mourning period? and if he doesn't have one, doesn't that mean he never really cared at all? that would make me feel better, if he was that heartless to not have a mourning period. it would make him a monster in my eyes, meaning he's not even capable of loving at all.

i don't want to miss him. how do i not...i don't want to think about him. how do i not...

It's the 17th one week before the day you were born,

I been making big plans just for over a month,

Trying to make this the best birthday you ever had

show you that you're my baby, damn all this strain got

Me feeling somethings wrong, pull up to my gate they keep saying he's gone,

An envelope's in between my door big as day

Got me panicing what the hell this letter gonna read

Hell no

You say you don't want it no more

Hell noYou say you can't give me what I want

Hell no

How you just gonna leave when I stayed wit you through hard

Times and you cheated

Hell no

I hate to say it but I mean it hell no

God please talk to me

Hell no

Your so called love was so deep when it told you, you should

Run far and not give a damn about me

how could you leave me when you see me desperately in need of

What we had beforeI cried so many times but never did it cross my mind to think

But let it go

Damn baby I could see if we ever meant this shit before before but we been

Down this road before how could you leave me baby please my

Heart is beating for the beat we had before how could you leave home

Now I need you wanna laugh wanna stand wanna get just one more chase

Just to see you all my friends all my kin say mo just let

That end but I breath you in the drive way I found pictures on the

Ground of our first date I never in a million years though this

Would be me i'm trapped in love with somebody that no longer thinks

That i'm somebody special

look at me...